Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright
Steven Wright
American Comedian
Born: Dec 6, 1955
Got Me People Think Time You
Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Mitch Hedberg Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield W. C. Fields
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright
God Down Think Speeding Civilization Over Come Going Pull
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Steven Wright
Subconscious Hell Thinking Baby Those About Know Really Consciousness Need
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright
Other Statues Had Heads Arms Where Museum Museums
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright
Cake Rest Sacrifice Year Honestly Would Restaurants Eat Could Take Course Pill Go Die Just Want Again Ice Ice Cream January Chocolate Cream Then Chocolate Cake
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. Steven Wright
Down Ran Out Some Had Walking Suddenly Street Prescription
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' Steven Wright
Death Words Sometimes Word First Wish Could Bed End Quote Last
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright
You Monkey Could Write Had Like Million
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven Wright
Circular Neighbor Out Driveway He Get
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. Steven Wright
You World Impossible Perspective Say Insane About Seem Could Abstract Talk Pass Off Itself Trying Being Happen Place Explain Then Sane Show Things Basically
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. Steven Wright
You Simple Everybody Fax Got Dollar Very List Just Bill Chain Letter
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. Steven Wright
Wonderful Girl Met Clothes Putting She Escalator Buying
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Steven Wright
Pet Somewhere Lost Got Apartment Then Elephant
Is it weird in here, or is it just me? Steven Wright
Me Weird Just Here
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. Steven Wright
You Walks He Announcer Talk Him George Hear Radio Bridge
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. Steven Wright
Me Writing Reading Gear Somehow Write Head Turns Your Helps
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. Steven Wright
Good You Experience Dangerous Amazing Walk Live Live Audience Other Everything Out Bad Silences Minutes Bad Stuff Stuff Audience Amazing Experience Very Intense Front Just Planet Electric
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. Steven Wright
Success Work Hard Work You Thought Everything Once Ways Would Would-Be Almost Maintain Because Got Lot Than Get After Happily Success Is Then Much Successful Hard Figured Ever Ever After Harder Here
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' Steven Wright
Buy Money Sugar Some Borrow Said Cup Going Bank Asked
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life. Steven Wright
Life Me Reality Comedy Observing Commenting Just Twisting
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. Steven Wright
Life You Humor Those Out Some Throw Head Like Know Branches Them Twig Things
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. Steven Wright
Me Song Every Changing Seconds Everything Exactly Almost Like Know Wrote Audience Subject Five Where Note Show
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. Steven Wright
Good Jokes Money Else Gems Seem Someone Give Idea Come Just Them Hard Even Right Good Idea
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. Steven Wright
Me Together People Thinking Kid Those TV Bizarre Minutes He Stuff Comedians Doing Years Five Get Trying Influenced Gonna Now Watching
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. Steven Wright
People Thought Tell Superstitious Head Comedian Because Years Years And Years Friends Any Wanted Happen Kept
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. Steven Wright
Jokes People Will Predict Laugh Only Still Works Ever Four
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. Steven Wright
People Become Other Other Kids Astronauts Kids Laugh Firemen Like Make Wanted
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