9552 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

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I would watch 'The Ed Sullivan Show' and borrow a few lines here and there from guests like Red Buttons and Buddy Hackett to create a routine. Then I started getting invited to do political functions like the governor's birthday ball or mayor's dinner. Norm Crosby

Birthday Political Dinner Few Sullivan Guests Would Borrow Red Buddy Invited Like Ed Sullivan Ball Lines Governor Getting Mayor Then Create Show Functions Routine Watch Buttons Here Started

I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night. Norman Wisdom

Home Tired School London Born Dead Got Scotland Used Night

Most of my comedies were low on budgets - certainly by American standards. Norman Wisdom

Most Budgets Comedies Were American Low Certainly Standards

Global warming is a fact. Now it's up to liberals to make it a reality. Hence there is crucial importance in preventing powerful, greedy free market forces from getting in the way of worsening storms and rising sea levels. The Kyoto Accord is a good first step. P. J. O'Rourke

Good Reality Free First Greedy Market Liberals Market Forces Way Rising Preventing Free Market Fact Crucial Step Powerful Global Importance Global Warming Make Forces First Step Accord Up Getting Storms Warming Sea Hence Now Levels

The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it. P. J. O'Rourke

Learning Young Adept More Avoiding Even

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P. J. O'Rourke

Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that's when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past. P. J. O'Rourke

Home School Past Our Summer Kids Some Having Throwback Supposedly Although Because Happens Agricultural Vacation

The great thing about being a print journalist is that you are permitted to duck. Cameramen get killed while the writers are flat on the floor. A war correspondent for the BBC dedicated his memoir to 50 fallen colleagues, and I guarantee you they were all taking pictures. I am only alive because I am such a chicken. P. J. O'Rourke

War Great You I Am Journalist Alive Colleagues Correspondent Memoir About Only BBC Writers Taking Pictures Great Thing Print Because Am Duck Permitted Fallen Were His Chicken Get Being Flat War Correspondent While Dedicated Floor Thing Guarantee

Jimmy Carter was - he still - he remains to this day America's most ex of ex-presidents. You just can't believe that we elected this doofus. He was a bright enough guy and sort of well-meaning. But he was about as prepared to be president of the United States as your goofy old uncle, you know, the one that memorises baseball statistics. P. J. O'Rourke

Day You Old Uncle Believe Enough President Jimmy Jimmy Carter States Statistics Carter About Guy Remains He Know Most Goofy Sort Well-Meaning Still America Just Elected Your Prepared Baseball Bright United United States

Like it or not, I've come to appreciate soccer. Any kid can play, which fits with the inclusive agenda of progressive schools. Although the corollary to 'any kid can play' is that every kid must play because there is an iron grip to the warm hug of progressive inclusionism. P. J. O'Rourke

Quotes by Comedians