9550 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.' Larry the Cable Guy

Love Hope Hilarious Monty Benny Flying Those Television Circus Charlie Crosby Costello Guys Haw Vaudeville Python Hill Shawn Always Comics Were Influences Fan Loved Movies Bob Bob Hope Bing Bing Crosby Milton

Tony Orlando is one of the nicest guys I have ever met - bar none - in my entire life. I was always a fan when I was a kid - you know, huge fan. Who wasn't a fan of Tony Orlando? Larry the Cable Guy

Life You Met Kid Entire Entire Life Guys Know None Always Huge Huge Fan Fan Bar Who Nicest Ever Orlando Tony

What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary. Lea DeLaria

You Believe Easter Like Bunny Mean Your Belief Necessary Homosexuality

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. Les Dawson

Good Old Way Good Old Days Rising Week Prices Days Old Days Last

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.' Les Dawson

Took Madame Horrors Mother-In-Law Said Sir Moving Keep Chamber Her

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. Lewis Black

People Country Way Focused Possible Responsible Most Democrats How Fiscally Which Republicans Manner Should Help

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. Lewis Black

Me You Win Stupid Got Am Equipped Very

Self-love is a big part of golf. Lewis Black

Big Part Self-Love Big Part Golf

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff. Lewis Black

Day Great Morning Wake Up Think Everything Once Kind Pick Wrong Stuff New Look New Day Wake Up Optimistic Times York Front Going Front Page New York New York Times Again Realize Really Page Forward Start Basically

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. Lewis Black

Know Democrat Understand How Still Anybody Republican

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen. Lewis Black

Angry Happy Citizen Person Happy Person

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. Lewis Black

Funny Harry Harry Reid Charles He Nancy Nancy Pelosi Sneaky Reid Creepy

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. Lewis Black

Love Me Own My Own Outside Head Gets Anything

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. Lewis Black

Christmas Time Online No Time Always

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. Lewis Black

Great Joke Say Writer Comic Odd Which

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare. Lewis Black

Class Rich Class Warfare Going Tax Anymore Warfare Create

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. Lewis Black

You Stupid Energy Focused Alternative Got Just

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated. Lewis Black

Me Some Because Lot Get Irritated Helps Watch Fox

I recently caught myself giving a pretty girl the cold shoulder because I felt intimidated. She was so gorgeous, and it made me feel insecure. I wasn't even aware until someone pointed it out to me. I was so embarrassed! I recognized those thoughts and made a point to be more friendly to her because there was no reason to be cold. Lilly Singh

Myself Me Thoughts Gorgeous Made Girl Pretty Girl Giving Cold Intimidated Those Embarrassed Recognized Out Insecure Pretty Someone More No Reason Point Pointed Feel Until She Because Felt Caught Friendly Shoulder Reason Even Aware Her Recently

I have a fear of being broke. That's what I have a fear of. I'm not kidding. Loni Love

Fear Kidding Broke Being Being Broke

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. Louis C. K.

Regret Ex-Wife About Something More Like She Sort Sure How Making Material Did Goes Just Ask Really Careful

Quotes by Comedians