9550 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. Jerry Seinfeld

Someone Small Environment Beautifully Does Affected Task Whole

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' Jerry Seinfeld

Me Women Men Somebody Naked Advice Think Magazines Know Learn Because Doing Lot Very Just Want Little Show

For me, so far, confidence has been a journey, not a destination. Jessica Williams

Journey Me Confidence Destination Has-Been Been Far

My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time. Jim Carrey

Christmas Alone Time People Remember Mother Daughter Pain Sick Took Attention Like She Always How Leave Pills Lot Person Getting Just Used Many Professional Her

Originality is really important. Jim Carrey

Important Really Originality

I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her. Jim Carrey

Try Girl Kiss Seen Before Kick Out Would Something Kissed Never Catch Like She Audience Been Hits Maybe Wanna Legs Might Gonna Then Ground Her Right

I don't see myself as offending people. Jimmy Carr

Myself People See Offending

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. Jimmy Carr

You First Few Finding Joining Weeks Weight Feet Just Your

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that. Jimmy Carr

You Experience World Joke Fine About Disability Disabled Talk Well Comics Go Different Want Race Then Your

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did. Jimmy Durante

Politics More Developing Comedians Than Did Radio Ever

I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I threw a coin into a fountain, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I saw a shooting star, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' Jimmy Fallon

Birthday Cake Made Wish Live Saw Would Threw Ultimate Ultimate Goal Goal Shooting Wanted Cut Next Star Ever Saturday Fountain Saturday Night Saturday Night Live Night Coin

I must be an anorexic because an anorexic looks in the mirror and sees a fat person. Jo Brand

Mirror Must Sees Looks Anorexic Because Person Fat

It is unrealistic to expect an entire profession to be completely good. There are bound to be some individuals who are stressed, who are unkind, who are a bit rubbish at their job, who are in the wrong career. Jo Brand

Good Job Rubbish Unkind Bit Some Entire Unrealistic Wrong Individuals Bound Expect Who Profession Career Stressed

One thing lots of Christians do have in common is that they can't help coming across as smug. This winds lots of people up, particularly because famous Christians pronounce on the life of the poor from their very lovely affluent homes filled with their very lovely families and attractive pets. Jo Brand

Life People One Thing Pronounce Winds Particularly Attractive Because Smug Coming Lots Up Very Families Affluent Common Famous Lovely Poor Across Help Filled Homes Pets Thing Christians

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. Joan Rivers

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. Joan Rivers

Me People Party See Invitation Always Shocked Get

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers

Saying Thinking Else Everyone Everyone Else Succeeded

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers

Telephone More Directory Than Chinese Taylor Elizabeth Elizabeth Taylor

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers

Covers Flabby Stomach Them Fortunately Thighs

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. Joan Rivers

Funny Happy Think Perfectly Particularly Anyone

Quotes by Comedians