Quotes by Comedians

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips

You Girl Other Top Way Responding Would Tag Head She Skillful Toes Her Conscious Sworn Night

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips

Beer Nursing Getting Quite Bar

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips

You School Gave Our Way Guns Some Were Any

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips

Love Down Run Only Blanks Know Schoolyard Around Go Yelling Up Jump Up And Down Screaming Children Little Little Children Using Watch

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? Emo Philips

Good Whatever Factories Days Children Happened Worked Ole

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have. Eric Idle

Life Comedy Try Life Is A Share Tragedy Experiencing Anything Watching

What Democrats call 'nuanced', most people refer to as 'stupidity.' Evan Sayet

People Stupidity Most Call Democrats Refer

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out. Flip Wilson

Out Road Because Order Laid

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead. Flip Wilson

Funny Humor Earnest Only Dead The Only Thing Fun Thing Things

I've had all that you could ask for. The fat lady has sung, and there's a standing ovation. Flip Wilson

You Sung Could Had Ovation Lady Ask Standing Fat

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Frank Carson

You Wife Negotiate Between Terrorist Difference

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen

Together People Nothing Gathering Conference Done Decide Who

California is a great place to live if you're an orange. Fred Allen

Great You Live Great Place California Orange Place

I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, 'Oh, it's fake.' But it's not about whether the guy wins or loses, it's about how he entertains you the whole time you're watching. Gabriel Iglesias

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. Garry Shandling

Love Made Once Minutes Hour Clocks Fifteen Fifteen Minutes Night Set

How can I die? I'm booked. George Burns

Booked How Die

My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago. George Gobel

Uncle Drunk Town Chicago Lived