9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright

You Monkey Could Write Had Like Million

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. Steven Wright

Writing Autobiography

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright

God Down Think Speeding Civilization Over Come Going Pull

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Steven Wright

Subconscious Hell Thinking Baby Those About Know Really Consciousness Need

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. Tim Allen

Friendship Best Mom Needs Parenting Respect Together Humor Example Parents Incredible Kids Sexy Toward Learn Understand Mate His Friends Going Show Fun Dad Amount Things

I'm not that good looking... nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen. Tina Fey

How can we be free when we are prisoners to social media, in a world without privacy? How can we be free when our every movement is tracked and every conversation is recorded and can easily be held against us? How exactly are we free if we are tethered to our cell phones? Tom Green

We get angry about the small things sometimes, I feel, so that we feel like we're doing something, so that we don't have to tackle the big things. And it's fine; let people do that. But I'm not gonna now change because of that. You know? Like, the worst thing that happens to me is you don't like me. And then what? Trevor Noah

Angry Me You Change Small Things People Sometimes Big Worst Worst Thing Fine About Tackle Something Small Feel Like Know Because Doing Get Big Things Happens Gonna Then Now Thing Things

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. W. C. Fields

Gone Living Cost Another Quart Dollar Up

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. W. C. Fields

Life Death Hope Lost Duty Everything Becomes Disgrace Including

I drink therefore I am. W. C. Fields

Drink Am Therefore

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. W. C. Fields

Prosperity Will Behind Far

For some people, the definition of who is and who isn't an American defies logic, historical accuracy, common sense, decency, good manners, the milk of human kindness, enjoyment in the good things in life, and love of good food. W. Kamau Bell

Life Love Kindness Good Food People Good Things Some People Decency Sense Manners Good Manners Definition Logic Some Historical Accuracy American Human Common Common Sense Human Kindness Who Milk Good Food Things Enjoyment

When I was a kid, 'Land of the Lost' was my favorite show, just because it was - in the landscape of Saturday morning cartoons - it was so unique. It was a live-action show and kids were in it, these creatures, these Sleestaks and dinosaurs. Every week was a different adventure. I couldn't wait. I loved it so much. Will Ferrell

Morning Wait Lost Every Kid Kids Favorite Favorite Show Dinosaurs Cartoons Week Adventure Because Were Just Different Just Because Loved Land Much Landscape Show Unique Creatures Saturday Saturday Morning

Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year. That's why you need a strong line of communication... which includes laughter. Yakov Smirnoff

Love You Love Is Communication Strong Laughter Year Wears Reaction Chemical Line Falling Falling In Love Off Which Why Need

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. Yakov Smirnoff

People Laughter Distance Between Shortest Shortest Distance Two Two People

My best advice to anybody who has a child with a disability is to really find the tools for that person to thrive and find what their true passions are, because the rest will follow. Zach Anner

Best Will Rest Thrive Advice Tools Find Follow Disability True Because Passions Child Person Anybody Really Who

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you. A. Whitney Brown

You Grace Humor Saving Saving Grace Laughing No-One Fail

You fake something until you're good at it. Al Yankovic

Good You Something Until Fake

If something is good enough, it can be out there and people will see it. Al Yankovic

Good People Will Enough Out See Something

Quotes by Comedians