Quotes by Comedians

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. W. C. Fields
Snake See Case Bottle Like Also Handy Which Keep
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. W. C. Fields
Spilt Never Poisoned Over Cry Because Been May Milk
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it. Wanda Sykes
You Passion Just Do It Out Something Feel Like Supposed Wishing Doing Just Stop Then
Religion is something we don't talk about, and it is used by uneducated people as a weapon to divide us as opposed to connect with each other. Zach Anner
Religion People Other Weapon About Something Divide Talk Opposed Uneducated Us Used Connect Each
I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better. Benny Hill
Day Better Smoking Thought Cigarettes Gave Took Back One Day Out Take Looked Well Smoke Up Afford Oh Again Then Her
If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. Bill Engvall
Good You People Good Things Treat Walk Nice Guy Just Happen Nice Guy Right Things Things Happen
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light. Bill Hicks
Best Me You People Light Comedy Corners Minds Laugh Laughed Kind Take Never Also Make Them Exposing Things
There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Bill Hicks
Life Death Imagination Ourselves Dream Only Thing
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. Bill Hicks
Me Creative Kick Out Constantly Outsider Get Being
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them. Bill Hicks
Good You Good Things Think Records Take Tapes Done Burn Them Then Us Your Things
People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally. Bill Hicks
People Sense States Run Seeing Take Share Itself America Irony Being Literally Which Who United United States Things Fundamentalists
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Bill Maher
Religion Dangerous Think Because Answers Human Human Beings Who Beings
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that. Bill Maher
Truth Me You Patriotism People Will Country Think Our Tells More More People Like Know Real Real Friend Real Friends Friend Friends Person Goes As Far As Patriot Far Your Who Need
One night, I wrote down all the things I was waiting to do with my little granddaughter, and it became a book, 'I Already Know I Love You.' It was one of those really lovely things in life. Billy Crystal
Life Love You Waiting Book Down Those One-Night Know Wrote Became Love You Lovely Little Granddaughter Really Things Night
I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun. Bob Newhart
You Long Think Able Rush Adulthood Been Years Child Being Much Successful Should Fun
The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour. Bob Newhart
Sense Humour Way Only Survive To Survive
No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. Carrie Snow
Day Bad Nap Fixed
In the land of the skunks, he who has half a nose is king. Chris Farley
King Half He Nose Land Who
There's no control in life, is there? There's only one who's in control, and He'll take me when He wants me. I don't want to know about it. It's none of my business. But when it happens, I just ask that it won't be painful and that He forgives me my sins. Chris Farley
Life Me Business Control No Control About Only Take He Know None Sins Forgives Just Want Wants Happens Ask Painful
I was glad to be sober, but after ninety days, people weren't patting me on the back anymore, sayin', 'Good job on the sobriety! Go get 'em!' Chris Farley
Good Me People Good Job Job Back Ninety Glad Days Go Were Get Anymore After Sober Sobriety
The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer. Chris Farley
Crazy You Point Do You Know Know Fairy How Glue Guarantee
Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are. Colin Quinn
Time Great Crazy Humanity Fault Behavior Every Every Time Back Our Way Take Step Step Forward Primitive Accept Go Contradiction Same Just Us Meant Meant To Be Who Forward
The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse. Dave Chappelle
You World Better Worse Out Tell Got Just Figure Who
You got to be careful of the company you keep. Dave Chappelle
You Be Careful Got Company Keep Careful
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself. David Alan Grier
You Yourself Try Define Tell Anyone Who
I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. David Letterman
Happiness Good You Somebody Something Only Something Good Does Doing The Only Thing Themselves Incapable Who Found Thing Bring
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