Quotes by Comedians

To a New Yorker, a 1948 Indians World Series baseball signed by the whole team might be worth only $200 to $300, but to a Clevelander like myself, it might be, like, $1,000 to $2,000. Fred Willard
Myself World Worth Signed Indians Only New Like Yorker New Yorker Might Team Whole Series Baseball World Series
I just love everything that Disney and Pixar do. Not only do they do beautiful films, but they have great messages for kids. Fred Willard
Love Beautiful Great Films Everything Kids Only Messages Just Pixar Disney
I try to shy away from playing cranky people, but if it's just a funny next-door neighbor or business man, I'll say, 'Sure, why not?' Fred Willard
Funny Man Business People Try Say Neighbor Sure Just Cranky Next-Door Neighbor Why Away Why Not Playing Shy
In fourth grade I had a high school reading level, but I didn't want to go to school and I didn't feel I belonged there. Freddie Prinze
School Reading High High School Had Feel Go Grade Want Level Belonged Fourth
I was in seventh grade at St. Matthew's. The teachers would tell me, 'God loves you,' and then whack a ruler across my hand. 'Well,' I'd say, 'if God loves me, can you call God? Can you ask Him if it's all right that I didn't do my homework? If it's not, then let Him hit me.' Freddie Prinze
God Me You Homework Seventh Say Ruler Tell Would Well Call Him Hand Matthew Hit Whack Grade Loves Ask Then Across Teachers Right
I was mugged when I was 12. I had a portable radio, and I ran into this building and these two guys came in and hit me, busted me up and took the radio. After that I was very paranoid and I started taking kung fu and karate. But I didn't want to fight. Freddie Prinze
Me Fight Building Took Ran Paranoid Guys Had Taking Came Kung Kung Fu Up Very Hit Want After Karate Mugged Radio Busted Portable Started Two
I couldn't fight, and I wasn't particularly interested in the academic. So I started doing satiric bits in the school bathroom. Guys would cut class to come and see me. Freddie Prinze
Me Class Fight School Bathroom Bits Would See Guys Come Academic Particularly Doing Interested Cut Started
Maybe I just wasn't a show-biz type. I didn't miss performing at all. Gabe Kaplan
Type Miss Performing Maybe Just
I think people will believe anything about someone they haven't seen for a while. Gabe Kaplan
People Will Seen Believe Think About Someone Anything While
I mean, I would have loved to have kept on being a big television star. If that's the way things would have broke, I would have loved to have done that. I just didn't really want to continue and be someone who took whatever was offered. Gabe Kaplan
Big Whatever Took Way Television Broke Would Someone Continue Offered Done Just Being Want Loved Mean Really Who Star Things Kept
Maybe 10 times a year I'll do a corporate date, but no casinos or no nightclubs or no comedy clubs. Gabe Kaplan
Comedy Year Corporate Date Times Maybe Clubs Nightclubs
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage. Gabriel Iglesias
Life Work You Live Life Sometimes Before Stage Live Out About Talk Gotta Work Out Things
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship. Gabriel Iglesias
You Inevitable Down Top Guy Prevent Join Take Like Know Spot Always Go Ship Forever Going Just Next Helped
Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback. Gabriel Iglesias
Work You Change Feedback Control Control Freak Everything Say TV Freak Memorize Instant Doing Lot Up Get Being Want Scripts Then Show Sucks
I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it. Gabriel Iglesias
Acceptance Laughter Just Form Crave Really Found Enjoyed
I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake. Gabriel Iglesias
Happy People Stage Relate Guy Know Talk Always Fake Off Very Much
I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. Gabriel Iglesias
Comedy Will Air Latino Comedian Comedy Central Difference Happens Central Special Who
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers. Gabriel Iglesias
Burger Believe Bad Guy Puts Metabolism Got Done Really Away
I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it. Gabriel Iglesias
Day Think Other See Something Bought Almost Like Because Go Go For It Just Just Because Cool
I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy. Gabriel Iglesias
Happy Comedian Doing Going Wanted Keep
The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it's really comfortable to drive and it's real techy inside. You look at the screen and it's blue and you've got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital. Gabriel Iglesias
You Car Digital Drive Everything Inside Kinds Look Comfortable Ford Got Real Get Blue Controls Screen Much Really Cool
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen. Gabriel Iglesias
Morning Wake Up Never Wake Up Get Famous Want Happen
You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that's all I've ever done. Gabriel Iglesias
Life You Personal Life About Only Talk Wonder Personal Done Why Ever
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it. Gabriel Iglesias
Family Made Those Could Sacrifices Like Know Until Insurance Comic Afford Really Early Need
Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed. Gabriel Iglesias
Enough Out TV Tour Comedians Goal Sell Get Place Movies Packed Popular
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change. Gabriel Iglesias
Day Me Change Jokes Every Day Writing Will Long Living Every Worry Alive Tell About Always Just Different Experiencing Stories Happened Show Different Things Things
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