Quotes by Comedians

Whether I am on a stage, behind a guitar or in front of a camera, I get paid to misbehave. Fortunately, misbehaviour is something I have unlimited supply of. Vir Das
Guitar Stage Unlimited Something Misbehave Supply Am Camera Get Front Behind Whether Paid Fortunately
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. W. C. Fields
Father Prison State Occupied Am Expert Electricity Chair Applied
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. W. C. Fields
Seen Neither Heard Children Again Should Ever
I must have a drink of breakfast. W. C. Fields
Breakfast Must Drink
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. W. C. Fields
Life Beautiful Experience Most Beautiful Drink Except Most Sleep
To be off the grid is to be disconnected from most of America's infrastructure without having to cross any border. W. Kamau Bell
Border Cross Having Most Without Disconnected Off America Any Grid Infrastructure
If we're constantly giving every one of our allies the woke test instead of inviting them to be more woke, we're doomed. You can be the most woke person of all time and be alone. W. Kamau Bell
Alone Time You Giving Every Our Constantly All-Time More Allies Instead Inviting Most Test Woke Person Doomed Them
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire. Wanda Sykes
Work Government Waiting Work Hard Some Retire Most Government Workers Just Them Workers Hard Dedicated
People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me! Wendy Liebman
Me People Smoking Say Bothering Come Well Always Up Them
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. Wendy Liebman
Mom Me Dog Father Thought Telling Ten Ten Years Voice Throwing She Ventriloquist Always Years Her
The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have. Will Ferrell
Life Funny You Dangerous School College Girl Funny Guy Everyone Later High Brooding High School Guy Until Still Get Wants
Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get to work with so many different people who come in to host the show and you get thrown into so many situations and learn how to think on your feet, so filmmaking actually feels slow, in a good way. Will Ferrell
Work Good You People Comedy Slow Live Think Way Boot Boot Camp Host Thrown Good Way Feels Feet Come Learn Because How Camp Get Situations Different Different People Your Show Who Many Saturday Actually Saturday Night Saturday Night Live Night Filmmaking
I live by 'Earnin' and burnin'.' Meaning, I like to make money and spend it before I even have it. That's the way I live my life. Will Ferrell
Life Money My Life Before Live Spend Way Like Make Meaning Even
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. Yakov Smirnoff
Waiting Crime Men Three Prison Year Other Seven Punishment Locked Locked Up Russia Years Up List Homosexuality
To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper. Yakov Smirnoff
Real Estate Real Estate Agent
I've been fascinated by the Internet from the very start. In 2001, I had made a funny black-and-white film called 'How to Dance Properly,' a short video of me dancing to a Madonna song. I sent it to 17 of my friends on a Thursday, and by Monday, one million people a day were logging on to view it. Ze Frank
Funny Day Me People Song Internet Dance Made Monday Dancing Madonna Properly Had Day One Thursday How Were Been Friends Very Short Sent Video View Fascinated Film Million Million People Start
I'm not an atheist. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me. A. Whitney Brown
Me You Atheist Believe Too Way Something How Exist Convoluted
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. A. Whitney Brown
School Our High Find High School Student Smarter Least Kuwait Than Average Bombs
The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down. A. Whitney Brown
History Past Down Someone Only Wrote Happened Actually
A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer. A. Whitney Brown
Black Lawyer White Group He Wrong Him Because South African Should Recently
I definitely relate so much to a lot of women in comedy, but I don't love segregating the genders. I'm just as influenced by male comedians as I am female comedians. Abbi Jacobson
Love Women Comedy Relate Definitely Comedians Female Am Male Lot Just Influenced Much
We couldn't pitch the show without having created one, at least one 20 to 25 minute version of 'Broad City.' We wouldn't know how to describe it. Abbi Jacobson
Broad At Least One City Minute Having Know Without How Least Version Pitch Created Show Describe
Museums are interesting. This place where we're almost buying admission to take a break from our lives. Abbi Jacobson
Our Our Lives Admission Take Almost Where Break Place Interesting Lives Buying Museums
I had this job where I had to cold call people, and that was terrifying to me, and that was on a far different level than invading their space. Abbi Jacobson
Me People Space Job Cold Invading Had Call Terrifying Than Where Different Far Different Level Level
Why does 'writer' have no gender, but 'actor' has a gender? What is that? Abbi Jacobson
Gender Writer Does Actor Why
I feel like comedy had a boys'-club label when we were starting. Abbi Jacobson
Comedy Had Feel Like Were Label Starting
Load more quotes
About
Site pages
Top Quotes
Authors
Today's birthdays
Copyright © Quotesia 2026