9552 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. Steven Wright

Good You Experience Dangerous Amazing Walk Live Live Audience Other Everything Out Bad Silences Minutes Bad Stuff Stuff Audience Amazing Experience Very Intense Front Just Planet Electric

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. Steven Wright

Success Work Hard Work You Thought Everything Once Ways Would Would-Be Almost Maintain Because Got Lot Than Get After Happily Success Is Then Much Successful Hard Figured Ever Ever After Harder Here

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Steven Wright

Pet Somewhere Lost Got Apartment Then Elephant

People love to make comedians out to be miserable, dark, twisted people. And I just - I think a lot of people struggle with depression and mental illness and have issues and problems within their family. The mailman has it. Your neighbor has it. It's just that comedians have a microphone. Tig Notaro

Love Depression Family Struggle People Dark Problems Miserable Think Neighbor Out Mental Mental Illness Comedians Make Within Issues Lot Microphone Just Your Illness Twisted

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. Tim Allen

Dangerous Nephew Penny Tried Plug See He Him Stick Said Go Shoot Far Across Electricity Grounded Whoever Floor

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children. Tim Allen

Myself Motorcycle Me People Drive Licence Licensing Some Protect Sort Around Am Get Children Required Should Adamant

Most of the time you're too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, 'I work at 'Saturday Night Live,' and that is so cool. Tina Fey

Work Time You Live Busy Every Think Too Say About Most Then Cool Now Now And Then Saturday Saturday Night Saturday Night Live Night

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey

You Man Comedy Old Down Laugh Dress Writers Push Like Make Audience Up Lady Want Stairs Old Lady Actual Her

I don't enjoy any kind of danger or volatility. I don't have that kind of 'I love the bad guys' thing. No, no thank you. I like nice people. Tina Fey

Love You People Thank You Nice Enjoy Danger Kind Bad Bad Guys Guys Volatility Like Thank Any Nice People Thing

The dirty little secret that nobody likes to talk about is that things just might have been better before the Internet. We had more time to ourselves before cell phones and text messaging and Facebook consumed our lives. Tom Green

Time Facebook Phones Better Internet Before Cell Phones Secret Our Our Lives Ourselves About More Dirty Consumed Had Nobody Talk Likes Messaging Been Text Cell Just Little Might Lives Things

The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen. Tom Smothers

People Censorship Valid Only Ideas Listen Right

It's hard for me to stay silent when I keep hearing that peace is only attainable through war. There's nothing more scary than watching ignorance in action. Tom Smothers

War Me Ignorance Peace Nothing Action Stay Silent Scary More Only Through Attainable Hearing Than Hard Keep Watching

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. Totie Fields

Lost Weeks Been Diet Two Two Weeks

When you are honest in your comedy, you have to acknowledge the world that you're in. Through a comedic voice, you're talking about what needs to be talked about, whether it's race relations or politics or anything that's happening on a global or an American scale. Trevor Noah

Politics Needs You World Comedy Relations Scale About Voice Through Global Comedic Talked Talking American Anything Happening Acknowledge Whether Race Race Relations Your Honest

If I'm doing something on stage, and it evokes an emotion, then I might show that emotion, but I also don't believe in being a preacher. If you have a point, that's a bonus. But the funny has to come first; otherwise, you shouldn't call yourself a comedian. Trevor Noah

The truth is, people don't know me. When people don't know you, they're going to try to get to know you as quickly as possible, because you're now taking the place of somebody that they love dearly, or somebody that they hate sincerely, and so they need to know who you are. Trevor Noah

Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed? Victoria Wood

Work Problem Sexual Harassment

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on. Victoria Wood

Life Degree My Life Spend Diving Know Does Got Intellectuals Mean Certificate Brick Evenings Why Rubber

Surround yourself with a bunch of like-minded people, and you'll soak up their habits like a starved sponge. Fat people with fat friends care less about their weight. Vir Das

You Yourself People Surround Yourself Care Starved About Habits Weight Sponge Like Surround Up Friends Bunch Soak Less Fat

Quotes by Comedians