Quotes by Comedians

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now. Bill Hicks
Day More Only Through Smoker Get Any Heavy Really Now Two
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. Bill Hicks
People Other Side More More People Issue Form Agree Two
The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans. Bill Hicks
Three Everyone Everything Dream Wear Eat Beans American Stop American Dream Wanting Rice Should Jeans
I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true. Bill Hicks
Myself People Writing Be True Young Believe Top Laugh Striving True Know Make Always Began Maturing Hearts Quite Working Hard Deep Growing Things
As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people. Bill Hicks
People Darkness Responsibility Long Other Tell Seems Person Then Lives
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. Bill Hicks
People States Kingdom Outside Share Itself America United United Kingdom United States
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there. Billy Connolly
Algebra Never Know Likely Learn Go Should Why
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? Billy Connolly
First He Name Come First Name How Mexican Jesus Jew
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day. Billy Connolly
Life Day Me You Every Day People Car Drive Become Clothes Live Every Changes Type Back Once Kind Would Would-Be Wear Life Changes Mystery Like Know Talk House Go Where Successful Successful People Your Now
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. Billy Connolly
Me Pet Parents Tell Take Department Used Zoo
My mum, Helen, was hilarious. She had a tremendous sense of humour and was a great singer and tap dancer. For many years, she was the voice of Minnie Mouse in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. She would be in the float as it came along, singing whatever the Minnie Mouse song of the day was. She was a really big spirit in my life. Billy Crystal
Life Day Thanksgiving Great Song My Life Hilarious Singing Big Whatever Sense Tremendous Humour Dancer Parade Would Would-Be Spirit Voice Had Along Singer She Came Years Tap Mouse Really Many Float Mum
Two things I really wanted to be: a stand-up comic or a New York Yankee - or a really funny New York Yankee. Billy Crystal
Funny New Yankee Comic York New York Wanted Really Stand-Up Comic Things Two
What life throws at you - you just have to learn how to hit it, which is a baseball metaphor. The ball's outside, you hit to the right. You don't let them go by. Billy Crystal
Life You Outside Throws Learn Ball How Metaphor Go Hit Just Which Them Baseball Right
I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. Billy Crystal
Thought Think Possibly Exceeded Could Far Ever
No one was asking me to be on TV. So I made my own late-night TV talk show. Billy Eichner
Me Made Own Late-Night TV My Own No-One Talk Talk Show Asking Show
It feels like we're always juggling many pieces of information at once or trying out many personas at once. It makes life slightly nonlinear. Bo Burnham
Life Once Slightly Out Feels Like Pieces Makes Always Nonlinear Juggling Trying Information Many
The problem for us, as viewers, is that we want famous people who are passionate about the things they're famous for, because that makes them worthy of the attention. But I think many of those famous people just want to be famous. Bo Burnham
People Problem Think Those Worthy About Attention Because Makes Passionate Just Famous Famous People Want Them Us Viewers Who Many Things
I write about what I know: teenage dating, overly charged sexuality, all the things that make you uncomfortable. Bo Burnham
You Teenage Charged Sexuality About Dating Uncomfortable Write Know Make Overly Things
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. Bob Hope
Pet Trees Dogs Apart Miles Why Fast Siberia
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. Bob Hope
About Only Israel Soup Chicken The Only Thing Thing
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted. Bob Monkhouse
Silence Only Seldom Misquoted Golden
I was never a Certified Public Accountant... I just had a degree in accounting. The reason I was never a Certified Public Accountant was because it would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do. Bob Newhart
Degree Would Able Never Had Because Test Passing Been Accountant Accounting Just Which Public Require Reason Certified
Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, 'Why is that person staring at me?' Bob Newhart
Me You Sometimes Wonder Person Forget Famous Why Staring
I was an accountant in Chicago, and a friend of mine, Ed Gallagher, was in advertising. At 4:30 every day I'd be bored, and I would call him. He'd interview me. Bob Newhart
Day Me Every Day Every Interview Mine Would Bored He Advertising Call Him Chicago Friend Accountant
I wasn't the class clown. I wasn't that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they're watching the class clown. And I'm standing in the back, and I turn to the guy next to me and I say something funny to him, and he starts to laugh. And the guy next to him says, 'What did he say?' Bob Newhart
Funny Me Class Circle Clown Starts Back Say Says Laugh Would Would-Be Class Clown Something Guy Guys He Obvious Him Did Turn Next Standing Watching
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.' Carol Leifer
You Women Minority Take Advantage Say See More Fact Disadvantage Take Advantage Always Fewer Much Unique
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