9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go. Chris Rock

Comedy Club Find Comedy Club Go Camera Where Works

It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures. Chris Rock

Health People Problem Money Care Big Guess Weave Could Bought Like Health Care Insurance Lot Want Reason Credit Card Credit Card

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege. Chris Rock

Best Kids Most Privilege Being Fun Fun Thing Thing

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons. Chris Rock

I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States. Chris Rock

Love Me President States Kid Wanted Happened United United States

I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie. Chris Rock

Live Spike Like Nancy Movie

Initially, I think I was eager to get off Staten Island and go away for school, that kind of thing. Then what you do maybe 10 years after that, you start maybe appreciating all the great things about the place you grew up. You can go back and enjoy it because you don't have that angst or sense of struggle to get away anymore. Colin Jost

Great You Struggle School Great Things Go Away Sense Enjoy Think Appreciating Back Kind About Angst Because Island Go Years Off Up Get Maybe Anymore Grew After Place Then Initially Away Eager Thing Things Start

I never thought about 'being' in comedy when I grew up, because I didn't know it was a real job. But looking back, it's the only thing I ever really cared about. Colin Jost

When I was 10, I went to the Junior Olympics for the 50-meter and 100-meter breaststroke. Colin Jost

Junior Olympics

When I started at 'SNL,' I was lucky to start early. So now starting on 'Update,' I am the age when most people are when they start doing that. It feels like a different world and capacity, like starting over in another challenge. A heightened challenge. Colin Jost

Age People World Starting Over Challenge Over Feels Like Most Another Am Doing SNL Update Different Capacity Lucky Now Different World Start Early Started Starting

Learning to be your natural self in front of five cameras and a silent studio takes time. Trying to be funny under duress is probably a lot like trying to play golf relaxed under pressure. Colin Jost

When you're around people who are trying to be funny all day and trying to one-up each other, that's just naturally - if you want to do it - it's going to make you better. Colin Jost

Funny Day You People Better Other All Day Make Around Trying Going Just Want Naturally Who Each

I never came out to the Hamptons when I was younger - it was always a fancy and exotic place. Colin Jost

Out Never Always Came Exotic Place Fancy Younger

I chose to buy a house in Montauk because it has a sleepier vibe than the rest of the East End. I also felt that I would run into city people in East Hampton and wanted more of a buffer. Colin Jost

Having Twitter on your phone is like being with a journalist that hates you 24 hours a day. Anything you say on that can be spun. Truly, that's what you have to think of it as. Colin Jost

Day You Phone Journalist Think Twitter Say Hates Having Like Hours Truly Spun Being Anything Your

My mom was the breadwinner in my family. I always thought, 'That's how it is.' I never thought that was the exception. Colin Jost

Mom Family Thought Exception Never Always How

I was at Harvard when Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, and I begged him not to do it. Colin Jost

Facebook Mark Mark Zuckerberg Harvard Him Created

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems. Colin Quinn

Me Crazy You People Problems Mind Stage Pay Other Say Drives Instrument Self-Esteem Comics Hear Want Low Might Low Self-Esteem Asking Your Standing Play Thing

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles. Colin Quinn

Sense Of Humor Humor Sense Everybody Styles Got Just Different Different Styles

The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests. Colin Quinn

Alone People Live More Only Priests Like Comics Than Who

I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial. Colin Quinn

Big Superficial More Method Method Actor Much Actor

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write. Colin Quinn

Love Time Poetry Write

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything. Colin Quinn

Crazy Would Trade Tumultuous Anything

Quotes by Comedians