9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared. Chelsea Handler

Today School Half Too Tortured Scared Days Like Go Were Bullied Much Deserved

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard. Chelsea Handler

Work Become Comedian Hard

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. Chelsea Handler

Love Joke Stupid Sense Something Make Any

Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?' Chelsea Handler

Time Book Every Every Time Out Had Come Like Going Number

I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem. Chelsea Handler

Good Problem Think Host Hosting Terrible

Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Chelsea Handler

Parents Wish Fall Seeing Anybody Apart Really Your Rough

You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it? Chelsea Handler

Good You People Somebody Nice Else Would Magazine Could Weekly Consumers Like Know Look Obviously Because Real Surgery Doing Go Cover Want Stories Which Us Really Us Weekly Used Plastic Plastic Surgery Star Why

Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not. Chelsea Handler

World Jews Underdogs Obviously

I encourage interoffice romance. Chelsea Handler

Encourage Romance

That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort. Chelsea Handler

Relationship Struggle Takes Maintaining Lot Effort Personal Romantic Biggest

I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser. Chelsea Handler

You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents. Chelsea Handler

You Parents Become Think Like Opposite Either Your

MTV is known for their huge budget. Chelsea Handler

Budget Known Huge

I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian. Chelsea Handler

Russian Superstitious

I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny. Chelsea Handler

Funny Like Speaking Publicly

I think you do need two terms as a president. Chelsea Handler

You Think President Terms Two Need

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut. Chelsea Handler

Me Men Mouth Think Some Some Men Just Disgusted Should Shut

When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything. Chelsea Handler

You Guarded Interview Reveal Times Celebrities Anything Many

There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.' Chelsea Handler

Conversation Enter Never Like Importance Female Going Public Moment

As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football. Chelsea Handler

Me Spending Summers Topless Kids Martha Brothers Football Pictures Always Up Shirt Six Grew Shorts Youngest Jean Vineyard Playing

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness. Chelsea Handler

You Friendships Realness Based

Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com. Chelsea Handler

Sister Mormon Checks Even

Quotes by Comedians