9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

The weight loss came about because a buddy of mine who was diagnosed with diabetes because of his obesity told me that I was fat. And I started laughing, and he was like, 'No seriously, you're fat.' And I said, 'Oh wow, really.' Carlos Mencia

Me You Diabetes Seriously Mine Laughing Obesity Wow About Weight He Weight Loss Buddy Like Because Diagnosed Said Came His Loss Oh Really Who Started Fat

Here's what I know about the business I am in. It's all based on money. It's all based on ratings. Carlos Mencia

Business Money About Ratings Know Am Based Here

One of the better moments in life is when you get your own car. Carlos Mencia

Life You Better Car Own Get Your Moments

I am an extremist. Carlos Mencia

Extremist Am

I don't do anything out of negativity anymore. Carlos Mencia

Negativity Out Anymore Anything

The cool thing about going to Vegas is that it's kind of like visiting a bunch of cities all at one time. All the shows and great restaurants leave you with a lot of options. Carlos Mencia

I can't imagine how unbelievable it would be to go to the Great Barrier Reef. Carlos Mencia

Great Would Would-Be Unbelievable How Go Barrier Imagine

Shows I've done in war zones are the greatest. The first time I was in Iraq, I kid you not, I felt so uncomfortable having the troops say, 'Thank you.' It's so deep and heartfelt. Carlos Mencia

When I was born, I was given to my uncle and aunt to raise as their kid because they couldn't have kids. Carlos Mencia

Uncle Kid Kids Born Given Because Aunt Raise

I will make a joke about any of my family members, about me, about my wife, if I really thought that I'm doing it to be funny. If there's some darkness to it, or I think it's ill-willed or mean or not cool, then I won't do it. Carlos Mencia

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

Pain Philosophy Out Working

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention. Carol Leifer

People Father King Holding Attention Him Impressed Child Watching

I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things. Carol Leifer

I'm always a big fan of if you approach somebody politely about something and you're not a nudge - you're just pretty honest and simple, my kind of philosophy is that I'm not afraid of 'no,' and that's way different than 'I won't take no for an answer.' Carol Leifer

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay. Carol Leifer

Gay Kind Like

My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.' Carol Leifer

Love Gay Woman Love Is Experience Meeting Kind About Because Always Falling Falling In Love Been Oh Different Anything Breaking Chains

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it. Carol Leifer

Thought Never Going Just Children After

My father was a huge influence on me. Carol Leifer

Me Father Huge Huge Influence Influence

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection. Carol Leifer

Work You Fear Rejection Worst Worst Thing Writer Environment Thing

I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom. Carol Leifer

Mom Woman Way Mad More Had Divorced Tick Got Affair Off Childless Really Figured Suddenly Desire

My stand-up act is very clean. Carol Leifer

Clean Very Act

Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept. Carol Leifer

Life Death Age Acceptance People Father My Life Lost Finding Parent Attached Had He Naive Obviously Accept Around Always Very Just The Hardest Thing Different Notion Hardest Hardest Thing Thing

Quotes by Comedians