9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. Bob Hope

Wonderful Mine Kids Like

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. Bob Hope

You Rich Like Got Swing

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. Bob Hope

Down Piano Name She Came His Off Personally Play Started

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. Bob Monkhouse

Saying Wife Bad She Smoke Timer Cook Uses Alarm

No matter what hyenas sound like, they are not actually laughing. Bob Newhart

Matter Laughing Like Sound Actually

I remember seeing a movie with Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney where they were husband and wife, and they got in bed, and he had on polka-dot pajamas and she had on striped pajamas, and when they got up the next morning he had on the striped pajamas and she had the polka dot pajamas, and that was considered racy at that time! Bob Newhart

Time Morning Husband And Wife Remember Wife Husband Considered Striped Seeing Had He She Got Bed Were Up Clooney Where Movie Dot Next Next Morning Pajamas

I certainly don't delude myself that there aren't certainly more important things to do in life than make people laugh, but I can't imagine anything that would bring me more joy. Bob Newhart

Life Myself Me People Joy Important Important Things Laugh Would More Delude Make Than Anything Certainly Things Bring Imagine

Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century. Bob Newhart

Life Gave Mark Mark Twain Insight Mississippi Turn Century Us Twain

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much. Bob Newhart

You Marriage Kids Longevity Most Proud Very Grandchildren Much Really

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try. Bob Newhart

Life Comedy Try Rest My Life Half Give Half Years Years Accounting Going Just Wanted Decided Realized Worked Two

Don't be silly and don't waste your time. Bob Newhart

Time Silly Your Waste

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married. Bob Newhart

Wife Made Met Married Would Date Through Never He Buddy Comedian Blind Well Because Got Up Difference Then Us Choice Her Career Career Choice Set

Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysterically. My favorite comedian, even though we work 180 degrees differently, but funny is funny is funny. Bob Newhart

Work Funny Me World Though Favorite Introduced City Degrees Comedian Did Pryor Urban Richard Richard Pryor Even Differently Inner Inner City

You're not dead at 85. You're a long way from it. Go out and enjoy. You've earned it. Bob Newhart

You Long Enjoy Earned Way Out Long Way Dead Go

I just made the decision that I was going to try comedy, and if didn't work, then I knew it didn't work. Then I would go back and do whatever. But at least I wouldn't torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened. Bob Newhart

The highest of highs is to have a new routine that you're just breaking in and that's working, and that's - you're one step removed doing a situation comedy because you have a live audience there. Bob Newhart

You Comedy Situation Live Live Audience Highest Step Highs New Because Audience Doing Just Breaking Working Routine

The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills. Bob Newhart

I don't know how doctors pick one specialty over another. Some you can understand. Pediatricians. Or gynecologists delivering babies, bringing a new life into the world, but how does someone want to be a proctologist? How can you fall in love with proctology? Bob Newhart

I am one of the great wasters of time. I have made it an art form. I can get up at 8 o'clock in the morning, be out of the house by 8:30 and back by 5 P.M., and I'll be going all day long and accomplish absolutely nothing. It's an amazing talent. Bob Newhart

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit. Bob Newhart

Time First Bit Abject Another First Time Terror Audience Got Still Continue Years Up Five Front Which Little Little Bit Four

Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn't afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story. Bob Newhart

Work Silence Long Seen Doubt Took Benny Tell Would Take He Comedian Without Jack Jack Benny Bravest Afraid Story Ever

Quotes by Comedians