9550 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now. Don Rickles

Great Old Days Were Old Days Now

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. Don Rickles

You Mind Kiss Back Enter Ring Pocket He His Room

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. Don Rickles

Politics Political Humor Correctness About Never Talk Political Correctness Much

I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage. Don Rickles

Stage Those Guys Die Wants Who

I don't like to compare myself with anybody. Don Rickles

Myself Like Anybody Compare

My mother was a Jewish General Patton. Don Rickles

Mother General Patton Jewish

I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. Don Rickles

War Me World School Heights Saved High High School New Come Still Yorker Jackson New Yorker Then Originally Raised World War World War II

At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. Don Rickles

Work Me People Treat Old Mind Young Stage Corny Month See Enthusiastic About Dates Sharp Come Like Couple Because Sound Still Very Godfather May Working Why Why Not

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss. Dylan Moran

Alone You Trust Key Fear Losing Independent Out Facility Throw Stuff Perilous Loss Human Decision-Making Might Basic

You take a vacation to a place like Thailand and you're ready for the excitement of something new and foreign. But when you're working 14-hour days, all you want is something familiar to ground you. And there's just nothing there. Ed Helms

You Nothing Something Something New Take Excitement New Days Like Ready Foreign Familiar Thailand Just Want Place Working Ground Vacation

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid. Eddie Izzard

You Seen Never Been Acid Ski Elephant

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. Eddie Izzard

Live More Die Wanna Less

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go. Eddie Izzard

Best You Fight Mind Improvise Think State Everything Way Gig Would Best Way See Bruce Bruce Lee More Could Had He Clear Idea Learn Empty Go Lee Just Where Anything Use Your Whoever Zen Technique Starting

If you're involved in with something that's original, you know, you'll always go back and try to rehash it. Eddie Murphy

You Try Back Something Know Involved Always Go Original

After all these years, I've done well and I'm cool. I feel comfortable in my skin, I've saved some paper, everybody's healthy, my kids are beautiful and smart, doing different things, it's all good. Eddie Murphy

The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique. Ellen DeGeneres

Myself You People Try Else Out Recommend Tried Martin Someone Allen Only Never Steve Steve Martin Always Anybody Anybody Else Influenced The Only Thing Woody Woody Allen Bob Really Successful Reason Unique Thing Copy Starting

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Me You People Well Always Were Accountant Child Ask

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away. Ellen DeGeneres

You Somebody Say Run Go Up Just Then Away Street

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips

Quotes by Comedians