9550 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. Dave Attell

You People Matter Way Say Find Call Always

Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say 'their life' I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life. Dave Chappelle

Life Me You People Money Personal Life Meetings Say Find About Could Know Most Involved Talk Make Around Without How How Much How Much Money Vested Celebrity Vested Interest Personal Where Either Interest Mean Them Themselves Much Professional Professional Life Position

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. Dave Chappelle

Black White Group Every Think At Least One Guy Guys Least Should

Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror. David Alan Grier

Try Mirror Cute Think Other Kind Some Days Look Avoid

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. David Letterman

Great People Water Everywhere Ours About Wherever Land Found Travelled

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? David Letterman

God States Those Hussein About Pound Dropped Saddam Saddam Hussein Know Anything Explode Explosives Even United United States Bombs Things Four Last Night Last Night Need

I don't know what the future holds, but I have to be confident about it. It's just the way I am. Dawn French

Future Way About Know Am Confident Just Holds

I'm a great lighter and lover of candles, particularly fragranced ones, as I'm kind of addicted to scent. Deirdre O'Kane

Great Scent Lover Addicted Kind Lighter Particularly Candles

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. Demetri Martin

Own Garbage Out Plumbing Because Up Screwed Screwed-Up Turns Disposal

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. Dennis Miller

Time Culture Thought Nothing Enough Complaint Enough Time Everyone Our About Having More Than Ironic Biggest Eternity Us

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. Dennis Miller

Quilt Radical AIDS Blaming Global Global Warming Warming Right Homophobic

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. Dennis Miller

Needs Edge Top Joan Carrot Telling Carrot Top Lauren Dress Bruce Rivers He Wrong Like Get Lenny Lenny Bruce Her

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. Dennis Miller

Me Game People Cause Somebody Own Thinking Say Drift Head Understand Always Stagnant Interesting Who Shows Found Why

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss. Dick Gregory

Possession Torment Delight Loss Us Much Riches

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country. Dick Gregory

Mind Country Knew Were Friendly Going Taxes Paying

There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up. Dick Gregory

You Bottled Limit How How Much Up Information Much Keep

I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted. Dick Gregory

White Finally Restaurant Counter Integrated Waited Years Wanted Eleven

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained. Dick Gregory

You Never Know Been Explained Certain Certain Things Belief Things

My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death. Dick Gregory

Death You Mother Christian Tell Would Tried She Stomp Lady Planet Sweetest Who Lived Ever Her Jesus

I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness. Don Rickles

Outgoing Protect Became Very Shy Shyness

Some people call me a legend and the last of the greats, and I appreciate it. Don Rickles

Me People Some People Legend Some Call Greats Last Appreciate

If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day. Don Rickles

Success Day Happy Wife Valentines Day Men Valentine Other Birthdays Gifts Lavish Girlfriends Anniversary Learn Learned Course Fresh Wives Send Sending Anything Keep Her Flowers

Quotes by Comedians