9539 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. David Letterman

Man Woman Face Enjoy Earth Beverage Child Tasty Who

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. David Letterman

Dog Confused Water Gorgeous Thought Weather Spring Changed Hot Hot Dog Feels Vendors Like Because Got Accidentally Eighties Mild Here

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin

Great Technology Reminisce Digital Invention Instantly Because Camera Us

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' Demetri Martin

Me People Mind Hey Says Sign Out Never Like Sticker Lot Bumper Bumper Sticker Hang Shortcut Little

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' Demetri Martin

You Win Word Kidney Fine Nobel Nobel Prize Most Said Am Dude Wonder Intelligent Thank Prize Stoked Just Wanna Gonna Your Turtle Ever Thing Started Kevin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. Demetri Martin

Me Scale Said Clothing Lady Size Store Asked Actual

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Demetri Martin

Saw Out Calling Getting Hanged Just Ever Letters Start

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. Dennis Miller

Funny You Long Nothing Insightful About Shallow Wrong Being

When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last. Don Rickles

Alone You Yourself Please Everyone Everyone Please Sell Different Stand Last

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. Don Rickles

Black Blacks Make Yeah Fun Why Why Not

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! Don Rickles

Fear Mind Somewhere Stage Every Back Out Audience Always Go Offend Person Going Afraid Every Night Night

I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. Don Rickles

Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway. Dylan Moran

Me People Walk Some People Eye Some Something Small Poking Like Around Very Children Anyway Aware Grumpy

Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house. Dylan Moran

People Big Unless Spend Give Hours House Talking Female Leaving Very Irish Five Irish People Person Doorway Little Then

You know, if you look all my stuff... If you go back to 'Saturday Night Live,' my stuff always has music, even a bunch of my comedy stuff - like in 'Shrek,' the donkey is always singing. Music is always there. Eddie Murphy

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. Elayne Boosler

Congress Think Too Our Easy Guns About Only Point Consumer Bought Stunning America Get Much Product Belief Actually

I say always follow your passion, no matter what, because even if it's not the same financial success, it'll lead you to the money that'll make you the happiest. Ellen DeGeneres

Success You Money Financial Passion Matter Say Follow Lead Make Because Always Same Happiest Your Even

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move. Ellen DeGeneres

Good You Stuff Always Get Move Want Rid

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips

Today Thought Lost Avenue Down Lesson Hundred Would Rather Feel Well Return How Dollars Walking Than Wallet Taught Want Gonna Realized Fifth Fifty Keep Found

Quotes by Comedians