9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. Demetri Martin

Grateful Jimi Hendrix About Over Know Dead Person Where Woodstock Janis Joplin Average Much Average Person Your Who Grateful Dead Hendrix

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. Demetri Martin

Funny Cartoonist Cosby Wright Like Liked Comedians Comedic Steven Obviously Always Were Just Really Bill Bill Cosby Actor Gary

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. Demetri Martin

Success Work Love Complicated Win Enjoy Way Find More Trophies Along Proud Than Movies Success Is Body Thing

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. Demetri Martin

Good Everything Kid Good Student Student Supposed Got Did

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? Dennis Miller

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. Dennis Miller

Light Police Assuming Local Week Through Drivers Catch Red Red Light Lights Opposed Go Were Cameras Surveillance Being Use Used Who Being Used Many Using Washington Now Incorrectly

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which. Dennis Miller

I lapsed into rude. Dennis Miller

Rude

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. Dennis Miller

Want Clueless Help Helpless

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. Dennis Miller

Comedian Credibility

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand. Dennis Miller

Elvis More Perks Than Office Holds Elected

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. Dennis Miller

World See More Checkers Like Chess Than Bush

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. Dennis Miller

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. Dennis Miller

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. Dennis Miller

Money Conservative Half Down Think Liberal Those Ourselves Kind Except Put Most Just Keeping Things Defending

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. Dennis Miller

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. Dennis Miller

Man Voltaire Another

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. Dennis Miller

Way Tell Only French Iraq Going Them Found

Quotes by Comedians