9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously. Chelsea Handler

You Say About Only Obviously Celebrity Much

My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them. Chelsea Handler

Unless Secure Develops Author Them Show Position

I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times. Chelsea Handler

Saying Conversation Waiting Remember Sister Several Tables Having Make Still Been End Times What If Just Rope

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. Chelsea Handler

Try Everyone Possible Minorities Make Often Fun

I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves. Chelsea Handler

Funny Best People Big Think Those See Something Like Self-Deprecating Comedian Comedians She Make Because Big Fan Fan Which Griffin Themselves Really Who Fun Actually

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy. Chelsea Handler

News People Comedy Able Charlie Charlie Sheen Deliver Stuff Like Sheen Educate Surrounded Just Want Conjunction Serious

In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante. Chelsea Handler

Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet. Chelsea Handler

Time Country Down Every Every Time Enter Bet Write Writer Host Like Know Safest Occupation Author Customs

I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.' Chelsea Handler

Myself Old Thought Always Doing Years Want

It's pretty satisfying to use an image when you don't have a great articulate response. And to be able to customize emoji? Imagine if you were a car enthusiast and you were able to create a car from scratch. That's what this is like for me. I'm an emoji enthusiast. Chelsea Peretti

Great Me You Car Response Able Enthusiast Pretty Like Were Articulate Scratch Create Use Satisfying Image Imagine

It's hard to bury your head in Los Angeles. People come up to you and say, 'Hey, I saw your picture on a bus.' It's tricky: You're excited by the possibilities, but you don't want to get too crazy. Chelsea Peretti

I only do private room karaoke where it's just me and one of my closest girlfriends. My mom always said I could really belt songs out, and the Dixie Chicks feed that encouragement. Chelsea Peretti

It's really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, 'I usually don't like female comedians, but your material is great!' It makes the job prospect more daunting. Funny is funny, you know? Chelsea Peretti

Work Funny Great Me You People Sometimes Job Say More Daunting Prospect Come Like Know Comedians Female Makes Material Up Irritating Really Your Who Even

People see technology as something that will ruin society and culture, but I've always embraced technology. Chelsea Peretti

Technology Culture People Will Society Ruin Embraced See Something Always

So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig. Chelsea Peretti

Funny You Woman People Thought Down Carol Carol Burnett Joan Rivers Ball Times Tina Tina Fey Current Fey So Many People Where Burnett Incarnation Lucille Lucille Ball Many Earliest Amy

When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind. I don't remember how old she was at the time, but she just had this edgy hour that had so much funny stuff in it, and she was so fearless. If you only watch her on the red carpet, you don't get a sense of what a legendary standup comedian she is. Chelsea Peretti

Funny Time You Remember Old Mind Sense Funny Stuff Joan Carpet See Fearless Only Had Rivers Red Red Carpet Stuff New Hour Comedian Blew She Edgy Got How Material Get York Legendary Just New York Much Standup Her Watch

For one thing, you need a lot of self-confidence to be on the top of your field. There are times probably where I appear to be over-confident or arrogant. It's really in the eye of the beholder. Chevy Chase

You Eye Of The Beholder Arrogant Field Top Eye One Thing Self-Confidence Lot Times Beholder Where Really Your Appear Thing Need

'Weekend Update' can be presented as a full 20-minute sketch, and there's a lot of room there. Chevy Chase

Weekend Lot Update Sketch Room Full Presented

I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. Chevy Chase

You Chase Chevy

When you stop to realize that Abraham Lincoln was probably never seen by more than 400 people in a single evening, and that I can enter over 40 million homes in a single evening due to the power of television, you have to admit the situation is not normal. Chevy Chase

You People Seen Power Single Situation Television Enter Admit Abraham Abraham Lincoln More Never Over Due Lincoln Normal Than Stop Realize Evening Homes Million

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