Quotes by Comedians

I don't watch a lot of comedy. For relaxation and escape, I watch shows about how people survive bear attacks. Or old episodes of 'Law and Order,' the Benjamin Bratt/Jerry Orbach era. Amy Poehler

People Law Comedy Old Relaxation Law And Order About Bear Attacks How Era Lot Escape Survive Order Episodes Shows Watch

Don't treat your heart like an action figure wrapped in plastic and never used. And don't try to give me that nerd argument that your heart is a 'Batman' with a limited-edition silver bat-erang and therefore if it stays in its original packing it increases in value. Amy Poehler

Me Heart Treat Try Value Argument Action Increases Batman Nerd Wrapped Stays Silver Give Give Me Never Like Packing Your Used Figure Action Figure Plastic Original Therefore

I have a healthy relationship with food. My problem is, as a comic, I eat dinner late. But I'll have a smoothie for breakfast every morning, and I keep it pretty low-carb and healthy during the day. At night, I'll have a basic protein, quinoa, and vegetables. Amy Schumer

Food Day Morning Relationship Problem Vegetables Dinner Healthy Breakfast Every Late Eat Pretty Protein Comic Keep Basic Night

What's good about not being a model is that it's not the thing I trade on. Once I start looking older, that won't affect me. I have never gotten anything done because I'm, like, so gorgeous. I'm good-looking enough that I can work in the business. Amy Schumer

I am very into making up my own rules. Amy Schumer

Own Rules My Own Making Am Making Up Up Very

A big part of becoming a funny person was a major defense mechanism. Onstage, especially as a woman, I've had to be really tough. The second you show a crack, the audience can literally leave. Amy Schumer

Funny You Woman Tough Big Defense Defense Mechanism Funny Person Onstage Had Part Major Audience Becoming Leave Crack Person Big Part Literally Really Show Mechanism Second

I can't hide my feelings. I'm efficient. I've always been that way. Amy Schumer

Hide Feelings Way Always Been Efficient

Happiness can't start with external stuff, whether that's money or success or your body. Amy Schumer

Happiness Success Money Stuff Whether Body Your Your Body Start External

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion. Amy Schumer

Myself Mom World Gorgeous Mother Girl Thanks Think Thinking Extremely Brought Attractive Devoted Fairly Because Always Notion

I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone. Amy Schumer

Learning Long Everyone Long Island Along Island Am Chick Just Really

It's not hard for me to be funny. But it's really hard. I don't think a lot of people are funny. I meet a lot of people, and most of them aren't funny. Amy Schumer

Funny Me People Think Meet Most Lot Them Really Hard

It's really hard for a lot of men to have the woman accomplishing more than them. Amy Schumer

Woman Men More Accomplishing Lot Than Them Really Hard

I'm insanely close to my sister. Amy Schumer

Sister Close

I like people who are predictable. Amy Schumer

People Like Predictable Who

Be tenacious. Get as much stage time as possible. Ana Gasteyer

Time Stage Possible Tenacious Get Much

I played Liddy Dole last year and met her as well. From the artful way she phrased it, I still don't know if she had actually seen me play her. She made it sound like it was good, but that's just a gift they have. Ana Gasteyer

Good Me Gift Made Seen Met Year Way Had Like Know She Well Sound Still Dole Artful Just Play Her Actually Played Last Last Year

I'm a liberal inside a liberal's body. Ana Gasteyer

Liberal Inside Body

I'm not a standup, but I play one on TV. Ana Gasteyer

TV Standup Play

I'd like to say that parody is a celebration of a person's specific characteristics, as opposed to mockery. Ana Gasteyer

Say Characteristics Parody Like Opposed Celebration Mockery Person Specific

It's so easy in these cabaret venues to get earnest. Ana Gasteyer

Earnest Easy Cabaret Venues Get

A poll earlier this year showed that 42 per cent of Americans believe we're in the End Times. Andrew Denton

Year Believe Per End Times American Poll In The End Cent Earlier

The world is infinitely more complex than it appeared to me 15 years ago. Andrew Denton

Me World Complex More Years Years Ago Than Infinitely Appeared

Absolute faith can blind you to the consequences of the actions you allow. It can tell you it's okay to drop bombs on another country, or that it's okay to hate a group of people such as homosexuals. Andrew Denton

Faith You Hate People Drop Country Group Consequences Okay Tell Absolute Allow Blind Another Actions Bombs Homosexuals