9554 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? Elayne Boosler

Great You Money Giving AIDS Television Only Could Preachers Get

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. Elayne Boosler

Silence Key Comedy Own Listen Your

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. Elayne Boosler

Home You Nothing Every Direct More Write Like Votes Audience Go Go Home Movie Produce Satisfying Every Night Night

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. Elayne Boosler

Funny Truth News Thought Pure Elsewhere Entertaining Ability Able Only Through Had Raw Make Comics Were Off Comment Intelligent Decade Truths Place Social Newspapers Pages Pertinent Found Actual Last Last Decade Pull

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' Elayne Boosler

Morning Wake Up Breakfast Recipes Say Eat Guys Like Wake Up Expect Want Place Toast Your Things

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. Elayne Boosler

Day You Comedy Job Free Country Big Everyone Had Day Job Became Big Break Got Comics Were Years Up Maybe Break Clubs Little Then Worked Your Whole Star Growing Growing Up

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. Elayne Boosler

Funny Extremely Running Never Had Head Said Always Commentary Anyone

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. Elayne Boosler

Opportunity Joke Pretty About Equal Equal Opportunity Issues

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. Elayne Boosler

Me You Word Baton East Cities East Coast Minneapolis Bother Never Comedian Household Where Working Coast Popular Rouge Imagined

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. Elayne Boosler

Funny Remember Job Kid Never Comedians Understood Choice Profession Enjoying

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. Elayne Boosler

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. Elayne Boosler

Money Losing Complaints Some About High-Risk Had Put Investments Real Real Money Did Informed Gamble Choice Measured

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. Elayne Boosler

Space First Lost Own Young Strips One Thing Feature Throats Over New Attracts First Place Readers Readership Comic Editors Reducing Comic Strips Fret Owners Currently The One Thing Place While Newspaper Cutting Keep Shrinking Thing Profits

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. Elayne Boosler

Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. Elayne Boosler

Animal Organization Will Young Locations Allow Open Pick Allowed Pick And Choose Protected Forced Industry Vulnerable Advocate Shooting Children Movie Young Children Movie Industry Which Movies Should Choose Using Actor Why

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' Elayne Boosler

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think. Ellen DeGeneres

Challenges Think Our Give Layers Obstacles Know Make Sure Happen Interesting Depth Us Fun Unique

I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him. Ellen DeGeneres

You People Old Sold Collect Kind Folded Wearing Someone Something Guy He Pictures Like Know Looks Arms Him Insurance Got Were His Wonder Wondering Just Just Kind Interesting Who Painted Why Portraits Suit

Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things. Ellen DeGeneres

Spiritual Me Little Things Phone Mind Long Subconscious Before Beginning Changing All My Friends Out TV Bets Never Taking Attention Come Like Retreat How Dialogue Subconscious Mind Were Been Friends Anything Decided Little Your Paying Radio Right Things Inner Last

Whatever you define family as, family is just a part of belonging to something that takes care of you and nurtures you... and when you have lost that, and you want to get that back, it's pretty easy to get emotional about it. Ellen DeGeneres

Family You Care Lost Whatever Back Define Easy Pretty About Something Emotional Part Takes Get Just Want Belonging

People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house. Ellen DeGeneres

Love Me People Too Much Thought Own Too Our Constantly About Fed Glass House Around Been Ultimately Going Children Want After Decided Far Much Asking

Quotes by Comedians