9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

Born in St. Petersburg, Russia, my wife speaks five languages: Russian, English, French, Italian and, out of self-defense, Spanish. I watched her learn Spanish in three months. Cheech Marin

Wife Three Self-Defense Months Out Born Russia Russian French Learn Italian Five Spanish Languages Speaks English Her Watched

So what's really behind the 'English Only' Movement? Fear. Fear of being taken over and one day they will have to learn something different. Heaven forbid they would have to learn something new. Cheech Marin

In the end, the great leveler in any sport is performance on the field or on the court. Kids don't care what language players speak or if they eat tacos, rice, or sauerkraut. They don't care if they're white, black, or brown. Cheech Marin

I liked Jackie Robinson because he was cool to watch, not because he was black. Every time you turned around, he was hitting a triple or making a great play in the field or, best of all, stealing home. Cheech Marin

Time Best Home Great You Black Field Every Every Time Triple Stealing He Liked Robinson Because Around Making Jackie Jackie Robinson Hitting Turned Cool Play Watch

Whether it's from the biggest, most powerful city, or from the dinkiest little podunk town, there is a certain attachment and connection, and yes, pride about where you came from. Cheech Marin

You Pride City About Attachment Powerful Town Most Most Powerful Came Yes Where Biggest Whether Little Certain Connection

There are some Chicanos who don't want to be Chicanos - they want to be Mexican-American, Hispanic, or even Spanish. Cheech Marin

Some Hispanic Want Spanish Who Even

You have to want to be Chicano to be Chicano. Cheech Marin

You Want

The word 'Chicano' was originally a derisive term from Mexicans to other Mexicans living in the United States. Cheech Marin

Word Living Other States Term Mexicans Originally United United States

Don't ever insult a Chicano about being a Chicano because then all the other Chicanos will be on you with a vengeance. They will even fight each to be first in line to support you. Cheech Marin

You Fight Will First Other About Support Vengeance Because Insult Line Being Then Even Each Ever

Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun. Chelsea Handler

You Been Midget Fun Sued Ever

I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing. Chelsea Handler

If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't. Chelsea Handler

Family You Immediate Member See Want Whether Show Extended

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do. Chelsea Handler

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. Chelsea Handler

Marriage Think About Goal End-All

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan? Chelsea Handler

Great Game Sense Of Humor Humor Sense Married Pretty Great Sense She Sure Anyone Mean Plan Game Plan Ridiculous Her Mariah Carey Honest

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me. Chelsea Handler

Time Me Thought Thinking Once Embarrassing Out Would See Admit About Glad No Time Had Self-Confidence Always Came Going Famous Wanted Happen Ridiculous Amount

There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off. Chelsea Handler

Day You Every Day People Every Interview Slot Wears Some Allure Because Off Celebrities Interesting Really Who Fun Fill

Quotes by Comedians