9553 quotes by comedians for you to enjoy

I have been a big guy all my life, I am not going to lose a bunch of weight, because then you're like that weird fat person that got skinny but still has a big head. I don't want to do that. So I'm just trying. Billy Gardell

Life You My Life Big Lose All My Life Guy Weight Head Weird Like Because Got Am Still Been Big Guy Big Head Bunch Person Trying Going Just Want Then Skinny Fat

The quickest way to defuse fear or insecurity or anger is usually humor. I think comics figure that out quickly, and, once you figure it out, you think, 'Hey, if I can do this and get paid, that would be kind of cool.' Billy Gardell

I'm from Minnesota! I used to work Knuckleheads at the Mall of America as a stand-up. I spent New Year's there once. I'm not trying to namedrop. Billy Gardell

Work Year Once Spent Minnesota New Mall America Trying Used

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I'm doing the best I can. Billy Gardell

Best Lose Some Weight Yeah Doing Want Mean

I've been trying to watch my weight a bit, but when I come to Las Vegas, all bets are off. I get enough healthy food in L.A. where the food is the size of a quarter and costs $40 - when I'm in Vegas, I want a steak! Billy Gardell

I always like to find those little mom-and-pop sandwich places, or diners. Those are my favorite kind of places. Billy Gardell

Those Favorite Kind Find Like Always Places Little Sandwich

You know, I'm playing the Mirage in Vegas, the main room... About 5 percent of all comics end up as the main headliner on the Vegas Strip, so that's a big deal for me. Getting to do my stand-up the way I have this summer is really what I've dreamed of since I was about 10 years old. Billy Gardell

Me You Old Big Summer Way Strip Dreamed About Mirage Percent Main Vegas Since Know Deal Comics Big Deal Years End Up Getting Room Really Playing

As a comic, I've heard gunshots while I'm trying to get to sleep. I've performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said. Billy Gardell

You People Something Performed Because Said Comic Heard Get Trying Where Wanted After While Show Harm Sleep

And what's great is, you know, while 'Mike and Molly' are working on their health, that's their flaw, the people that surround them are actually- that's the mess. Those two have it together the most. Billy Gardell

Health Great You Together People Those Know Most Mess Surround While Flaw Them Mike Working Molly Actually Two

And then as I got older, see, I think a lot of times with comics, your life kind of permeates your act. Whatever is happening in your life is what's going on on stage. So if you're angry in your life, then that's going to be on stage. If you're looking for the guy that's just going to make you laugh for an hour and forget about, that's me. Billy Gardell

Life Angry Me You Looking Whatever Stage Older Think Laugh Kind See About Guy Hour Make Got Comics Lot Times Forget Going Just Happening Then Act Your

Look, you know, you can't please everybody. I'm a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn't matter how funny you are and how well you do, there's two people that are going to walk out of there hating you. Billy Gardell

Funny You People Matter Walk Everybody Please Out Hating Know Look Well Comic How Going Stand-Up Comic Two Two People

You need a wisecracking buddy standing next to you? That's the role for me. You got the guys who are knock-down, drag-out handsome. That's what people want to see. Let that guy be the hero. But there's always a role for the Everyman. Billy Gardell

Me You People Hero Everyman See Guy Guys Buddy Always Got Role Handsome Want Next Standing Who Need

I think what's cool about Slayer is no matter how old their albums are, it's the one band to me that their sound is immortal. It never sounds corny to me. You can go back and listen to some Pantera and Metallica albums, and you're like, 'OK, great music.' But Slayer, you go back, and they always sound fresh and hard as hell. Blake Anderson

Music Great Me You Matter Old Band Hell Think Corny Back OK Immortal Some About Great Music Never Like Fresh Always Metallica How Sound Sounds Go Listen Hard Cool Albums Slayer

I pretty much figure a collar will do, but as time goes on, I'm hoping I learn how to throw a suit on or something. I've still got some time. I'm not the president of the United States yet. Blake Anderson

I fully embrace myself as a hypocrite. Bo Burnham

Myself Hypocrite Embrace Fully

I do weird things, and people watch. Bo Burnham

People Weird Weird Things Things Watch

I don't want to put meaning on what I do because I don't know what it is. Bo Burnham

Put Know Because Want Meaning

I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.' Bo Burnham

Everyone Slightly Find Like Annoying Call

You can give poor people this royal wedding to watch and make them feel good about themselves, or you can give them something useful like, I don't know... a toaster. Bo Burnham

I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame. Bo Burnham

Man People Remember Old Mind Breakfast Thinking Nine Kind Must Eat Some Ten Ten Years Idea Like Years Fame Wonder Being Famous Famous People Cereal Warped Special

The Internet is so crazy, and you're exposed to so many things. In an hour, you can really jump around. Bo Burnham

Crazy You Internet Hour Around Jump Really Many Exposed Things

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