Quotes by Comedians

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show. Bill Maher

Class White White House House Halftime Clinton Left Show

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all. Bill Maher

I don't aim to offend. Billy Connolly

Aim Offend

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time. Billy Connolly

Time You People Speak Hide Dark Cowardice Sit Hiding Easy Up Get Microphone Front Want Act Shout Waste

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly

Love Every Angeles Days Los Los Angeles Itself Two

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything. Billy Connolly

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? Billy Connolly

You Mother Tell Drink Never Head Empty Did Your

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue. Billy Connolly

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying. Billy Connolly

Saying You People Arch Audience Always Hear Behind

Since I got into the movies, 'Running Scared,' that did $40 million. 'Princess Bride,' I got good reviews for the character Miracle Max. 'Memories of Me' didn't do well. 'Throw Mama from the Train' did $70 million. 'Harry and Sally' did 95 or 96. 'City Slickers' did $120 million. Billy Crystal

When you're the host of the Academy Awards, and you grew up watching Bob Hope and Johnny Carson, and now it's your turn, and you get a chance to run with the baton on the relay for a while, I really embraced it and just really loved being there. Billy Crystal

Hope You Baton Relay Run Embraced Johnny Johnny Carson Host Academy Academy Awards Up Get Just Being Grew Loved While Turn Bob Bob Hope Really Your Being There Awards Now Watching Chance

I could always improvise. Some of my teachers remember me standing in front of the class with a flower on my head, talking about photosynthesis. I'd stop and say, 'Is this working for any of you?' The kids were like, 'What is he doing?' Billy Crystal

Me You Class Remember Improvise Flower Say Kids Some About Could Remember Me He Head Like Talking Always Doing Were Any Front Stop Working Teachers Standing

That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul. Billy Crystal

Soul Free Jazz About Your Thing Flowing

Bambi, to a kid, was scary. Billy Crystal

Kid Scary Bambi

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro. Billy Crystal

Niro More He Nobody De Niro Truthful Than Acting

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right. Billy Crystal

Funny Feel Feet Right

Change is such hard work. Billy Crystal

Work Hard Work Change Hard

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish. Billy Crystal

Old Black Comfortable Being Jewish

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do. Billy Crystal

Funny Time First Saw Had Caesar Knew First Time

At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are. Billy Crystal

Remember Those Only Could Same Same Things If I Could Things