Quotes by Comedians

What is extraordinary about the character of Edna - and I speak as though I am completely outside this character and I am talking to you - I'm, as it were, in the wings, and she's on stage, and every now and then she says something extremely funny, and I stand there and think: 'I wish I'd thought of that.' Barry Humphries
Funny Character You Speak Thought Wish Stage Every Think Extraordinary Extremely Says Though About Something Wings Outside She Talking Am Were Then Stand Now Now And Then
I'm approaching 70. Unfortunately, from the wrong direction. Barry Humphries
Approaching Direction Wrong Wrong Direction Unfortunately
I have beautiful, beautiful clothes, designed by my bachelor boy son, Kenny. Kenny has a big following as it is, and even Lady Gaga has asked Kenny to design dresses for her. But Kenny isn't very keen on, well, shall we say, extreme women. He likes someone that women all over the world can identify with. Barry Humphries
Beautiful Son Women World Big Clothes Design Bachelor Extreme Say Dresses Following Someone Shall He Beautiful Clothes Over Identify Likes Well Boy Very Lady Lady Gaga Gaga Asked Even Keen Her Designed Kenny
I have got to the point in my life when a lot of people I know have died or are dying, so I realise that somewhere outside the pearly gates is a queue, shuffling nearer and nearer to the celestial box office. Barry Humphries
Life People My Life Somewhere Point Outside Know Box Box Office Got Lot Queue Office Celestial Died Dying Realise Nearer Shuffling Gates
I've never looked at my Facebook page or my website, because I'm fundamentally an amateur. Barry Humphries
Website Facebook Never Looked Because Amateur Page Fundamentally
I hate it when theater people go on about professionalism - aren't they boring? I try to be as unprofessional as possible. And I'm a little bit politically incorrect. Barry Humphries
Hate People Try Bit Possible Boring About Go Politically Politically Incorrect Theater Little Little Bit Professionalism Incorrect
In Australia, they really want to turn me into a religion. A religion! Can you imagine? The Church of Edna? Oh. I don't want to be over-revered. Barry Humphries
Religion Me You Church Australia Oh Want Turn Really Imagine
I am writing a book called 'The History of Australia in Hundred Objects.' It's of things we have invented in Australia. And you know, some of them are amazing. We invented the clapper boards used in films. We invented those cranes - those big long cranes used on construction sites. Barry Humphries
History You Construction Book Writing Amazing Long Big Films Hundred Those Some Objects Invented Know Am Australia Sites The History Of Boards Them Used Things
I Sellotape whole tins of sardines to my face at night, attach two squeezed lemon rinds to my armadillo-skinned elbows, and put cucumber on my eyes. By the time I'm finished, I look like a fruit salad with added fish. In the morning, the pillow is pretty much a write-off. Barry Humphries
Time Morning Fruit Eyes Face Finished Added Pretty Attach Put Like Look Cucumber Pillow Fish Salad Squeezed Lemon Elbows Much Whole Night Two By The Time
Of course there are times when I think, 'I'd be better out of this.' Barry Took
Better Think Out Course Times
I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it's a risk worth running. Ben Elton
Mistake Worth Try Preach Carried Running Risk Get Which Hard Away
We've all got to look at ourselves, start with yourself, that's all you can do. I believe that we can act responsibly as a group, it's just that there are vested interests telling us not to bother. Ben Elton
You Yourself Group Believe Ourselves Telling Responsibly Bother Look Got Vested Vested Interests Just Us Interests Act Start
My advice to anyone adapting a novel is that once they've read it and learnt to understand it, then they must throw it away and never look at it again! Ben Elton
Advice Adapting Once Must Throw Never Look Read Understand Learnt Anyone Again Then Novel Away
I'm easy to work with, not a pushover, but I respond to criticism and find it inspiring. Ben Elton
Work Criticism Respond Easy Find Inspiring
No collection of people who are all waiting for the same thing are capable of holding a natural conversation. Even if the thing they are waiting for is only a taxi. Ben Elton
Conversation Waiting Natural People Same Thing Holding Collection Only Same Capable Taxi Who Even Thing
My parents were secular. I am an atheist. Ben Elton
Atheist Secular Parents Am Were
I exercise hard and the reason I do is so that I can earn the things I like to consume. Ben Elton
Earn Consume Like Exercise Hard Reason Things
I don't know what people who I've never met think about me. Some have written horrible things, some have written nice things - but I'm proud of the fact I've remained close to everyone I've ever worked with. Ben Elton
Me People Met Nice Think Everyone Some Horrible Horrible Things About Fact Remained Never Written Know Proud Close Worked Who Nice Things Ever Things
If I did things for the money, I'd have done adverts in the 1980s, when I was hot enough to be offered them, and 'Police Academy 6,' which I was asked to write. Ben Elton
Money Police Enough Write Hot Academy Offered Did Done Which Them Asked Things
Comedy will always be central to what I do, it's just an instinct for me, but I am a writer and always have been. Ben Elton
Me Comedy Will Writer Instinct Always Am Been Just Central
I think trying to be cool is the worst possible ambition - and I have never suffered from it. Ben Elton
Ambition Think Worst Possible Never Trying Cool Suffered
I'm obsessed with coffee. Ben Miller
Coffee Obsessed
Every meal is so important and colours the rest of your day - my whole day can go into a spin if I make the wrong choice at lunchtime! Ben Miller
Day Rest Important Meal Every Spin Colours Wrong Make Go Choice Your Whole Lunchtime
I'd rather sink with a bad theory than swim with muddy pragmatism. Ben Miller
Bad Rather Pragmatism Sink Than Muddy Theory Swim
I'm very lucky, I had a very amicable separation and very amicable divorce, but it was still horrendous. Ben Miller
Separation Horrendous Had Divorce Still Very Lucky
I did play a romantic part once - Orsino in 'Twelfth Night.' Ben Miller
Once Part Did Romantic Twelfth Play Night
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