Quotes by Comedians

If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it's a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also - to do the lawn and clean the gutters. P. J. O'Rourke
Government Family You Happy Problems Wife Job Parents Down Bit Finances Solve Lawn Clean Like Also Well Children Hold Ask Asking Cook Your Help Keep Her Second Raise
New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State's registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they're going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can't understand what they say. P. J. O'Rourke
You Vote Dinner Mouth State Say Independents Data Potatoes Unreliable Mashed Potatoes New Call Because Understand New Hampshire Hampshire Going Middle Polling Republicans Registered Them Ask Granite Full Who They Say
Of course, no one wants to ban the vote. Voting should remain available for sporting and recreational purposes. But certain types of votes clearly should be curtailed - 'assault votes,' for example, in which the only purpose of the vote is to harm others. P. J. O'Rourke
Vote Voting Example Others Types Only Purpose Remain Purposes Recreational No-One Clearly Votes For Example Course Ban Wants Which Available Certain Should Assault Harm
The 20th century was a test bed for big ideas - fascism, communism, the atomic bomb. P. J. O'Rourke
Communism Big Atomic Atomic Bomb Ideas 20th Century Bed Test Big Ideas Century Fascism Bomb
I think the Baby Boom does have a tendency to get its nose in everything. The Greatest Generation had a better tendency to leave people alone. Of course, they also had a better tendency to hate everybody's guts. P. J. O'Rourke
Alone Generation Hate People Better Think Baby Everybody Everything I Think Boom Guts Tendency Had Also Course Greatest Does Leave Greatest Generation Get Nose
People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement. P. J. O'Rourke
People Measurement Free Think Market Bathroom Philosophy Those Scale Free Market Simply None Tape Measuring Things Creed
A Kindle returns us to the inconvenience of the scroll, except with batteries and electronic glitches. It's as handy as bringing Homer along to recite the 'Iliad' while playing a lyre. P. J. O'Rourke
Recite Batteries Kindle Except Along Returns Handy While Scroll Us Iliad Electronic Homer Bringing Inconvenience Playing
The beauty of democracy is that an average, random, unremarkable citizen can lead it. P. J. O'Rourke
Democracy Random Citizen Beauty Lead Average
Writing on a computer makes saving what's been written too easy. Pretentious lead sentences are kept, not tossed. Instead of sitting surrounded by crumpled paper, the computerized writer has his mistakes neatly stored in digital memory. P. J. O'Rourke
Memory Writing Digital Pretentious Mistakes Too Saving Paper Easy Tossed Computer Writer Computerized Lead Written Instead Makes Been His Surrounded Sitting Stored Sentences Neatly Kept
Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day. P. J. O'Rourke
Day Labor Day Problems Year Before Beginning Severe System More Academic None Educational Labor Than American
Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have. P. J. O'Rourke
Government Health People Cigarettes More More People Hazard Governments Than Many Ever Seat Belts
The two most frightening words in Washington are 'bipartisan consensus.' Bipartisan consensus is when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help. P. J. O'Rourke
Doctor Words Wife Lawyer Most Frightening Help Agree Washington Consensus Two Need Bipartisan
Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient. P. J. O'Rourke
Politics Government Difficult Conservatism Our Way Our Lives Bit Easy Easy Way Intrusive Something More Uncomfortable Inefficient Fiscal Scope Just Size Which Really Express Grown Lives
When I'm in the car, I want the only one shouting to be me. P. J. O'Rourke
Me Car Only Want Shouting
Every vote should carry a serial number, so that responsibility for harmful or careless use of the vote can be traced. Concealed voting should be outlawed. P. J. O'Rourke
Vote Voting Responsibility Every Harmful Careless Carry Outlawed Concealed Should Use Serial Number
A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall. P. J. O'Rourke
Today Space Farm Motel Chickens Size Stall Means Shower
No industry in living memory has collapsed faster than daily print journalism. P. J. O'Rourke
Daily Memory Living Faster Collapsed Journalism Industry Print Than
The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich. P. J. O'Rourke
People Simple Important Differences Rich Too Collectivism Economic No-One Should Foundation Among
If there are three words that need to be used more in American journalism, commentary, politics, personal life... it's the magic words 'I don't know.' P. J. O'Rourke
Life Politics Words Three Personal Life Magic More Journalism Know Commentary American Personal Used Need
Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There's more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it's awfully close to human. P. J. O'Rourke
Strange World Care Digital Too Digital World I Care Seem Cases More Computers Thumb Head Study Like Sciences Odd Close Than Human Natives Little Social Flexible Social Sciences Societies
I had a confused early hippie phase, which was like a cafeteria tray of sloppy, semi-Marxist thoughts, absorbed second-hand. P. J. O'Rourke
Thoughts Confused Second-Hand Sloppy Had Absorb Like Hippie Which Phase Early
I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about. P. J. O'Rourke
People Worried Deficit Able About Never Trade Trade Deficit Been Get Straight Who
Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy. P. J. O'Rourke
Government Somebody Whatever Else Would Idea Policy Does Foreign Foreign Policy American Behind Sensible Prefer
Inside every Sancho Panza there's a Don Quixote struggling to get out. P. J. O'Rourke
Every Out Inside Struggling Don Quixote Get Quixote
There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages. P. J. O'Rourke
System Out Kind About Something Only Economic Marxism Economic System Encourages Warts Growth Brings
Everybody in America who didn't come over the Bering Strait ice bridge stole his land from somebody else. P. J. O'Rourke
Somebody Everybody Else Over Come His America Stole Ice Land Strait Who Bridge
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