Quotes by Comedians

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you. Craig Ferguson

Myself You Before Down Complete Complete Opposite Some Guy Talking Opposite Yelling Up Just Want Used Show Now Night

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar. Craig Ferguson

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do. Craig Ferguson

Laugh Having Apparently Aware Creepy

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure. Craig Ferguson

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available. Craig Ferguson

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now. Craig Ferguson

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. Craig Ferguson

Thought Drinking Only Because Die Going Stop Stopped

I realized women and humor were linked very closely. Craig Ferguson

Women Humor Were Linked Very Closely Realized

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre. Craig Ferguson

Me Band Mine Led Friend Which Turn Kafka Sartre Started

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck. Craig Ferguson

Happy Try Kind Tricky Nerve-Racking Wreck About More Am Train Quite Just Show Who Each Why Actually Thing Honest

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. Craig Ferguson

Pilot License Proud

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords. Craig Ferguson

Corporate Emails Get

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job. Craig Ferguson

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it. Craig Ferguson

It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy. Craig Ferguson

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian. Craig Ferguson

Nothing Aim Please

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' Craig Ferguson

Teacher School Word Argument Out High High School Had Dropped Over Huge After Meaning Meaning Of English English Teacher

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in. Craig Ferguson

War Go Scotland America Afraid Sworn

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. Craig Ferguson

Me People Sometimes Clever Edge Believe Think Gave Else Backgrounds Ourselves Tell Something Talented Come Like Privilege Get Just Anybody Anybody Else Children Anymore Just Something Poor Used Who Many

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. Craig Ferguson

Gay Woman Unions Took Married Civil Wedding Vermont Where Place

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. Craig Ferguson

Me Having Idea Australians Just Upset Awful