56 Deborah Tannen Quotes for You to Enjoy

Deborah Tannen

American Sociologist

Born: Jun 7, 1945

Conversation First Men People Women You

Related authors: C. Wright Mills Charles Horton Cooley Ivan Illich Matthew Desmond Samuel P. Huntington Talcott Parsons Thomas E. Mann William Julius Wilson

A sister is like yourself in a different movie, a movie that stars you in a different life. Deborah Tannen

Life You Yourself Sister Stars Like Different Movie Different Life

A sister is someone who owns part of what you own: a house, perhaps, or a less tangible legacy, like memories of your childhood and the experience of your family. Deborah Tannen

Family You Memories Experience Sister Own Someone Part Like Perhaps House Tangible Legacy Childhood Owns Your Less Who

Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A mother's gaze is like a magnifying glass held between the sun's rays and kindling. It concentrates the rays of imperfection on her daughter's yearning for approval. The result can be a conflagration - whoosh. Deborah Tannen

People Result Mother Daughter Gaze Approval Sun Daughters Magnifying Imperfection Glass Rays Between Like Mothers Yearning Subject Scrutiny Themselves Held Reserve Her Level

Women as mothers grapple with corresponding contradictions. The adoration they feel for their grown daughters, mixed with the sense of responsibility for their well-being, can be overwhelming, matched only by the hurt they feel when their attempts to help or just stay connected are rebuffed or even excoriated as criticism or devilish interference. Deborah Tannen

Hurt Women Responsibility Criticism Overwhelming Sense Corresponding Stay Only Adoration Daughters Attempts Feel Devilish Well-Being Matched Mothers Mixed Contradictions Just Interference Help Connected Even Grown

If women talk in ways expected of them or project a feminine demeanor, it's seen as weak. But if they talk in ways associated with men or bosses, then they're seen as too aggressive. Whatever they do violates one or the other expectation: either you're not talking as you should as a woman or as boss. Deborah Tannen

You Woman Women Men Seen Expectation Whatever Not Talking Aggressive Too Other Project Ways Weak Boss Bosses Demeanor Talk Talking Feminine Expected Either Them Then Should Violates Associated

Everything we say has metamessages indicating how our words are to be interpreted: Is this a serious statement or a joke? Does it show annoyance or goodwill? Most of the time, metamessages are communicated and interpreted without notice because, as far as anyone can tell, the speaker and the hearer agree on their meaning. Deborah Tannen

Time Words Joke Our Everything Statement Say Tell Goodwill Annoyance Most Because Without Does How As Far As Anyone Meaning Far Notice Speaker Show Agree Serious Interpreted

When women told me they'd always wished they had a sister, they were thinking of this ideal of mutual encouragement and support. Many of those who have sisters also yearn for this ideal because their relationships with their sisters don't always live up to it. Deborah Tannen

Life Daily Culture Problem Fault Mother My Life Every Everything Tends Individuals Between Like Mothers Demonize Accomplished Owe American Either Popular Popular Culture Ever Daily Life

In a world of status, independence is key, because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status. Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions. Deborah Tannen

Women World Key Focus Independence Men First Others Ran Intimacy Though Tell Status Directions Both Tend Lifeblood Taking Primary Because Establishing Different Orders Different Directions Low Means Second Humans Need

'Right' and 'wrong' aren't words a linguist uses. Deborah Tannen

Words Wrong Uses Right Right And Wrong

My interest in the linguistic differences between women and men grew from research I conducted early in my career on conversations between speakers of different ethnic and regional backgrounds. Deborah Tannen

Women Men Differences Research Backgrounds Between Linguistic Women And Men Different Grew Conversations Interest Regional Ethnic Speakers Early Career

The contrasting focus on connection versus hierarchy also sheds light on innumerable adult conversations - and frustrations. Say a woman tells another about a personal problem and hears in response, 'I know how you feel' or 'the same thing happens to me.' The resulting 'troubles talk' reinforces the connection between them. Deborah Tannen

Me You Woman Problem Light Focus Same Thing Say Response Hierarchy Tells About Resulting Troubles Adult Feel Between Know Talk Also Sheds Another How Hears Versus Contrasting Personal Same Happens Conversations Frustrations Them Connection Thing

The long history of conversations that family members share contributes not only to how listeners interpret words but also to how speakers choose them. Deborah Tannen

Family History Words Long Members Only Long History Share Also How Family Members Listeners Conversations Them Speakers Choose Interpret

I wouldn't say that it's hard for sisters to treat each other with respect. Many do. Deborah Tannen

Respect Treat Other Say Sisters Hard Many Each

There is more excitement, more amazement when a first is born. No subsequent babies can have that impact. Deborah Tannen

First Babies Impact Born More Excitement Amazement Subsequent

Everything you say in a family carries meaning from all that was said before. So with friends, there is less likelihood of a few words triggering associations from childhood, where our deepest emotions often are rooted. Deborah Tannen

It's an interesting point about sisters not getting the same attention as parents and children, and even brothers. I suspect it's just because women didn't count that much and weren't the ones writing the accounts. Deborah Tannen

An assumption underlying almost all comments on interruptions is that they are aggressive, but the line between what's perceived as assertiveness or aggressiveness almost certainly shifts with an interrupter's gender. Deborah Tannen

Gender Aggressive Assumption Perceived Almost Almost All Between Underlying Line Shifts Comments Aggressiveness Certainly Assertiveness Interruptions

For women, detailed conversation is our lifeblood, while for men it's just not as critical. Deborah Tannen

Conversation Women Men Our Critical Detailed Lifeblood Just While

I grew up in Brooklyn, N.Y. For part of my life, I was living in Detroit, and I remember a friend of mine commenting she could always tell when I had been speaking to my mother because my New York accent had come back. Deborah Tannen

Life Remember Mother My Life Living Back Mine Tell Brooklyn Could Detroit Had Part New Come She Accent Because Always Been Friend Up Commenting York New York Grew Speaking

Deborah Tannen Quotes

No more Deborah Tannen quotes