Dave Barry Quotes

Dave Barry
American Journalist
Born: Jul 3, 1947
About Had People Will You Your
Related authors: Ambrose Bierce Charles Krauthammer Erma Bombeck Hunter S. Thompson Mignon McLaughlin Walter Cronkite William F. Buckley, Jr. William Lloyd Garrison
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry
Funny You Will Fact Take Absorb Another Scientific Scientific Fact Person Body Your Your Body Cholesterol Plate
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Dave Barry
Nature Business Way Promoting Motel Camping
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry
Sleeping Circumstances Take Never Pill Same Any Any Circumstances Night
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry
Beer Water Example Way Bad Would Would-Be Vital Hydrogen For Example Make Without Chemicals Oxygen Ingredient
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' Dave Barry
You Achieve Word Will Meetings Would Would-Be One Word Potential Never Had Identify Human Achieved Race Full Full Potential Reason Human Race Why
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. Dave Barry
Stupid Believe Primary Make Scientists Males Breasts Function Now Biological
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry
Christmas Time Holiday Season Own Once Way Religious Come His Mall Going Again Holiday Us Choice Each Season Deeply
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barry
You Young Immature Once Only Always
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. Dave Barry
You Car Nothing Case Strongly Arise Feel Always Dogs Go Very Them Should Your Bark Right Ear Violently Need
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. Dave Barry
Will Despite Relative Several Locate Sperm Guys Directions Fact Wisconsin Takes Female Egg Cells Size Them Ask Why Thing Million Biological
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry
Face Down Trees Outdoor Knocking Skiing Your Fun
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. Dave Barry
Me Winter Sports Problem Follow Take Generally Closely The Problem With Place Here
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. Dave Barry
Religion Age Gender Believe Background One Thing Drivers Human The One Thing Human Beings Regardless Ethnic Ethnic Background Beings Thing Unites
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. Dave Barry
World Nothing Teen Embarrassing Adolescent Parent More Than
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
Death Immaturity Followed Look Continue Forward
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry
Sheep Medium-Sized Rural Slowly Steadily Consumed Island Saint Patrick's Day Ireland Being
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Dave Barry
Patriotism Strong Try Duty Citizens Feel Because Go Jail Patriotic IRS Fully Cooperate
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. Dave Barry
Game Problem Possible Soon Pieces Chess End Wanted
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Dave Barry
God Made Cute Furry Plight Would Had He Concerned Wanted Them Toad Us
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. Dave Barry
Good Crazy Reading Fact Column Nobody Like Readership In Fact Newspaper Declining Good Chance Chance
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. Dave Barry
Food Trust Kind Eyeballs Totally Only Stick Fish Seafood
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. Dave Barry
Better Country Complain System Possibly Admit About Except Know Operate Jury Much Flipping Coin
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. Dave Barry
Sad News Happy TV Would TV News About Faces Fact Feel Supposed Know Make How Am Stories Personalities Many
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. Dave Barry
Time Doubt Live Would Could Sacrifices Prime Prime Time Major Parties Conduct Human Anybody Notice
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. Dave Barry
You Nothing Enormous Baby Would Find Open Gland Head Drool Am Were Up Should Moment Suggesting
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. Dave Barry
Food Coffee Foam Eating Only Cakes Like Chewing Cup Rice Less Filling
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