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Dave Barry Quotes
Dave Barry Quotes
Dave Barry
American
Journalist
Born:
Jul 3
,
1947
About
Had
People
Will
You
Your
Related authors:
Ambrose Bierce
Charles Krauthammer
Erma Bombeck
Hunter S. Thompson
Mignon McLaughlin
Walter Cronkite
William F. Buckley, Jr.
William Lloyd Garrison
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
Funny
You
Will
Fact
Take
Absorb
Another
Scientific
Scientific Fact
Person
Body
Your
Your Body
Cholesterol
Plate
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
Nature
Business
Way
Promoting
Motel
Camping
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
Sleeping
Circumstances
Take
Never
Pill
Same
Any
Any Circumstances
Night
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry
Beer
Water
Example
Way
Bad
Would
Would-Be
Vital
Hydrogen
For Example
Make
Without
Chemicals
Oxygen
Ingredient
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry
You
Achieve
Word
Will
Meetings
Would
Would-Be
One Word
Potential
Never
Had
Identify
Human
Achieved
Race
Full
Full Potential
Reason
Human Race
Why
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry
Stupid
Believe
Primary
Make
Scientists
Males
Breasts
Function
Now
Biological
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Christmas
Time
Holiday Season
Own
Once
Way
Religious
Come
His
Mall
Going
Again
Holiday
Us
Choice
Each
Season
Deeply
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry
You
Young
Immature
Once
Only
Always
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry
You
Car
Nothing
Case
Strongly
Arise
Feel
Always
Dogs
Go
Very
Them
Should
Your
Bark
Right
Ear
Violently
Need
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry
Will
Despite
Relative
Several
Locate
Sperm
Guys
Directions
Fact
Wisconsin
Takes
Female
Egg
Cells
Size
Them
Ask
Why
Thing
Million
Biological
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry
Face
Down
Trees
Outdoor
Knocking
Skiing
Your
Fun
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
Dave Barry
Me
Winter
Sports
Problem
Follow
Take
Generally
Closely
The Problem With
Place
Here
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry
Religion
Age
Gender
Believe
Background
One Thing
Drivers
Human
The One Thing
Human Beings
Regardless
Ethnic
Ethnic Background
Beings
Thing
Unites
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry
World
Nothing
Teen
Embarrassing
Adolescent
Parent
More
Than
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry
Death
Immaturity
Followed
Look
Continue
Forward
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Dave Barry
Sheep
Medium-Sized
Rural
Slowly
Steadily
Consumed
Island
Saint Patrick's Day
Ireland
Being
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry
Patriotism
Strong
Try
Duty
Citizens
Feel
Because
Go
Jail
Patriotic
IRS
Fully
Cooperate
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry
Game
Problem
Possible
Soon
Pieces
Chess
End
Wanted
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry
God
Made
Cute
Furry
Plight
Would
Had
He
Concerned
Wanted
Them
Toad
Us
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Dave Barry
Good
Crazy
Reading
Fact
Column
Nobody
Like
Readership
In Fact
Newspaper
Declining
Good Chance
Chance
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barry
Food
Trust
Kind
Eyeballs
Totally
Only
Stick
Fish
Seafood
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
Dave Barry
Better
Country
Complain
System
Possibly
Admit
About
Except
Know
Operate
Jury
Much
Flipping
Coin
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dave Barry
Sad
News
Happy
TV
Would
TV News
About
Faces
Fact
Feel
Supposed
Know
Make
How
Am
Stories
Personalities
Many
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Dave Barry
Time
Doubt
Live
Would
Could
Sacrifices
Prime
Prime Time
Major
Parties
Conduct
Human
Anybody
Notice
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry
You
Nothing
Enormous
Baby
Would
Find
Open
Gland
Head
Drool
Am
Were
Up
Should
Moment
Suggesting
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry
Food
Coffee
Foam
Eating
Only
Cakes
Like
Chewing
Cup
Rice
Less
Filling
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