Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg

American Comedian

Born: Feb 24, 1968

Died: Mar 30, 2005

Go Good How Me People You

Related authors: George Carlin Groucho Marx Milton Berle Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright W. C. Fields

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg

You Sorry Become Sign Out See Temporarily Only Never Escalator Just Convenience Order Break Stairs Should

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

Saying Me Woman Mad Girlfriend Know

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg

Buy Birthday Cake Got Candle Store Wanted Holder

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg

Work Good Lost Back Gum Pretty Pretty Good Bubble Had Mortality Soon Stick Felt Blowing While Flavor Carefree

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg

Funny Cause Down Wear Know Wanna Upside Upside Down Necklace

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg

You Too Late Will Too Late Machine Mad Magnifying Glass Vending Get Front Candy Want Sized Fun Bars

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg

Severed Foot Ultimate Stocking

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg

Long Too Slept Would Would-Be Ten Days Because

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Mitch Hedberg

Me Once Saw Way Lift Forks Literal

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg

Day You Down Backpack Weak All Day Wearing Guy Like Trying Being Midget Really Turtleneck Strangled Bring

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg

Good Matter About Never Tennis How Wall Get Depressing Thing

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg

Time You People Please Those Were Show Last Night Last Night

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg

Time Good You Try Beans Like Because Fried Maybe Just Wanna After Again Fry Them Why Wasting Wasting Time

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Mitch Hedberg

Saying You Flyer Someone Throw Like Hands Away Here

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg

Food Syrup Like Waffle Trap Pancake

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg

Me You People Sometimes Smart Free Wish Would Compliment Name Like Call Because Gotta Brain Maybe Notice Brian Even

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg

Book Every Kid Read Children

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg

Type Nine Slower Fingers Had Missing Any

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